The Round Table

Frustration

2010-03-31T04:56:00.002-04:00

What to do when your so frustrated and stressed, yet can't show it because you have to help someone else overcome their frustration and stress?

Echoes

2010-03-19T04:10:00.002-04:00

Ghost stumble past the ruins of forgotten haunts where dust and spiders keep the company of the ticking of the last clock, it's spring worn down and dying like so much in this land of sterility... the echoes of laughter and life fade away as dreams are blown into the wastelands of this small corner of the worlds black night... whispers seem to spring from empty places and footsteps creak the floorboards no more... one small bulb still illuminates the darkness... sputtering as it's filliment edges on the final burst... what lonely face might it shine upon, where none can see and angels dare not to look for fear of what may look back... the air lies still and the shutters are broken outside windows that rattle from the moans of the unhallowed ground... broken glass glitters upon the counter and stains fill the cracks in the floor... rust drifts from the chandelier, flakes falling slowly in the dead air of the room... and somewhere... deep below the unbeating heart of the room... an eye opens....

Missing

2009-09-13T03:29:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I miss the great anonymous friendship that I used to have here on the vast emptiness of the internet.

I found out tonight hat my girlfriend of over a year continually lies to be about her smoking habits. She smokes all the time now apparently, and it bugs the fucking hell out of me.

Six months ago she told me she quit, but you know, it's totall okay to smoke when you drink, it should just be acceptable.

I'm pissed, upset, sad, half drunk, disappointed, and above all else, missing the old conversations that would happen long into the night with the most honest and best friend that I think I've had, yet never personally met.

Joy, sometimes I often our old friendship. A lot! I'm 22 now. I first met you when I was 15. I still can't claim to know who is as non-judgement and understanding as you've been.

Sometimes I want to re-install everquest just to enjoy the good and bad with 2 of the best friends I've had, both a barbarian Shaman named Soulhavoc and a misfit Ranger named Wenn.

Currently, I'm listening to Incubus, the song Warning in particular, and just trying to type as straight as I can. I'm sorry for this relentlessly stupid post. I just hope that I'm not making a big mistake.

Reading

2009-08-12T03:25:00.002-04:00

So thanks to my job I have an amazing amount of reading time right now. The problem is that I've re-read all the books I own. I hate when I'm out of new things to read. Of course when I do et something new it only really lasts a night or two and then I'm back to rereading things again. Sometimes I really wish I didn't read so fast. It took me 4 nights to finish the Lord of the Ring books, and that includes the Hobbit. Anyways, heres a list of the last 10 things I've read recently, not for any reason other than to list them.

1. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Complete set) - Douglas Adams
2. Lord of the Rings (All 3 as well as the Hobbit) - J.R.R. Tolkien
3. Princess Bride - William Goldman
4. the Stand - Stephen King
5. Eyes of the Dragon - Stephen King
6. Have a Nice Day - Mick Foley
7. Treasure of Khan - Clive Cussler
8. Don't Stand too Close to a Naked Man - Tim Allen
9. The Complete Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Conan Doyle
10. Ten Little Indians - Agatha Christie

I highly recommend these books to anyone who like to read.
Maybe I should break down and pick up the Harry Potter books after all....

Days go by...

2009-06-09T05:00:00.005-04:00

I wonder sometimes why it seems like life moves so much faster as I get older. It seems like when I was young a year took forever to get through. Now I blink and find I'm writing the wrong year on my checks. I'm getting ready to get married, and when we got engaged I planned the wedding for a year and a half ahead so we'd have time to get everything ready and not be in debt or scurrying at the last minute. Now it's near the last minute and we're scurrying anyways. I hate rushing.
I look around, and it seems like more time has passed than I can account for. People who I could swear I haven't heard from in a week tell me it's been months. Bills I think I just paid come due again almost immediately. How fast can weekends go by? I take a nap on Friday after work and wake up and it seems like Sunday night and time to head to work already.
It's sad that I need to occasionally look at the timeline I set up on Chaoscenter in order to remember how long it's been since some things have happened. Like how long I've been out of school (18 years already? or 16 if U count my limited collage time!), or how long it's been since the last time I saw the Demon. I'll think it's been 2 years, and in truth it's closer to 5.
Is it that perception slows down as I age? Or does the monotony of the days cause them to blend in my mind? Or just that my memory is failing as I grow old?
No matter what it is, it's starting to scare me a little. I'm not afraid of growing old, I just don't want to forget how I got there....

Love for Mary - A blogspot Addition

2009-06-03T01:43:00.005-04:00

You guys know that this particular blog has always been a sort of private meeting room for the few (and those who I am proud to have met and call a friend) bloggers who made it here.

Dan was first as I met him on Everquest when he wasnt much more then a little kid. Though he never really acted like one, he was always there for me and offered me support that even the adults around me wouldnt at that time. As hard as it may be for some to understand, gaming isnt always a relaxing thing lol. Now Dan has grown into a fine and gorgeous man like I KNEW he would. I would be proud to call a guy like Dan my son and told his mother that myself. I am still proud to have been able to call Dan one of the first people I met online that I truly cared for and wanted the best for no matter what. I still love and respect Dan to this day and I miss the days and nights where we talked way into the wee hours. If one of my sons turns out to have even a quarter of Dans character and integrity then I will be the happiest mother on earth.

Then came Jeff. I think I had an early mid life crisis that brought me to blogspot to type out my feelings and hopefully make myself feel better. I hadnt made more then a couple of post when Jeff posted to my blog, and from that day on his words and his compassion and wisdom comforted me through some very rough times. Because of my distrustful nature I really just thought that he would come, and go, as many had before. But not Jeff. He stayed, and when I was feeling down, he was there with the perfect words to lift me up, or to bash those who were bashing me. In turn I watched Jeff go through some pretty depressing times of his own, and although I always felt inadequate to repay him for all his soothing kindness towards me, at least I felt I had to try. I never had a big brother who I was close to, or even a sibling to protect me, from myself and others. Until Jeff came along. And now here a few years later (omg i cant believe that) Jeff is now getting married and will be spending his life with someone who I can only pray will love him for at LEAST half of what he is worth. I dont think there is enough love on earth to love Jeff as much as he deserves it, but I sure hope and pray that she will try her ass off!

Then there was Kristi. And for all of the times I wished I'd had a big sister whose shoulder I could cry on, there she was. I missed having that kind of relationship with a female most of my life. But with Kristi it was hard to feel bitter about it, because she made up for all those lonely moments and then so much more. She is the earth to my fire. With her in my life teaching me so much if only I will listen I dont feel I could ever go wrong with her. I gave her trust that I had given no other female in my entire life. There is nothing I cant discuss with her and nothing she cant talk to me about. I'd call her a mother figure but I cant believe anyone could have as much fun with their mother as Kristi and I have had (plus shes not that old). But she exudes a mother image for me and she is like a mother though, one everyone wishes they would have had. In the sense of, if I have a problem, she can almost always give me a good solution to it, if I choose not to listen to it, its my problem, if I choose to listen, I always find a peace in her suggestions that I've rarely seen elsewhere.

So to Dan, Jeff and Kristi, I sincerely love you guys with all of my heart, and if I have my way Ill get to meet you one day and give you the greatest hug for all the love you have forced into my little heart when I wanted nothing more then to just say fuck all people forever. Its in large part because of you that I have breezed through the last bunch of years with peace in my heart instead of the sadness that has lived there for so long.

So now I have to introduce another person. If I had to describe her to you all it would be to say she is like my twin. She is funny and smart and beautiful in the way that most people only can dream of being. In the way all of you have always been to me. I wouldn't and haven't just put any old person on this blog, just the people I honestly love completely unconditionally. I know we all don't get here as much as we may want to, or used to, but its still here and I know if I have a massive breakdown I can still come here and talk to those dearest to me about it. So I have invited Mary here now. There is nothing you cant say to Mary, she wants and deserves and needs the honesty and the love and peace you have given me for so long.

It pains me sometimes to see how we have grown apart a bit from how we started here, but at the same time I realize that because we have grown at all, we now do not have the same lives that brought us here before. I think thats a good thing, and although I am sad we have all grown older, Im proud at the same time, because there are so few people on this earth I can truly trust. I think its a miracle that there is more then one of you, much less four now.

I hope you know that no matter where life takes us all, I will never ever forget each and every single thing that each one of you has done to help me grow into a person that I like much more then the girl who posted here the first day.

Love to you all!!

Joy

Stag

2009-05-30T10:22:00.002-04:00

So 2 of my Cuz's are actually going to throw me a stag party next weekend. this should be interesting. They are both younger, haven't asked anyone for help, and I'm kind of afraid. It's not that their bad or stupid, it's just that ... well... lets say their lives seem to revolve around computers, movies, and video games. One's favorite movie is Ghostbusters, the others is teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. For Halloween they dress up as the Mario Brothers. They actually either BOUGHT or MADE the costumes so they'd have them permanently. Can ya see why I'm scared?
I think the thing that worries me the most is that they may try and get me a stripper. Now I have nothing against naked women, in fact most of the best times in my life have included naked women, but I can almost picture them getting a girl to strip out of a ghostbuster uniform. I really don't think I could keep a straight face for that. I've told them no strippers, but they don't always listen to me.
They've also invited folks from my work. Now I have nothing against the people I work with, it's just I've never really been the type to hang out with people from work (with the exception being from when I worked at Florsheim Shoes, but I was friends with them before I started working there). I just figure I see these folks 8 hours a day 5 days a week, thats normally enough for me. There's maybe 2-3 folk there that I enjoy thier ocmpany enough to MAYBE want to hang with outsdie of work, but after 2 1/2 years I have yet to do so. (well, except the one guy who helped me move).
So if you believe in a diety, please say a little prayer that this goes off ok, or at least is not a Total train wreck.

I got a bad feeling about this.....

Avalanche

2009-05-29T02:24:00.002-04:00

So it's now less than a month till my wedding. Seems like theres still so much left to do. I tried to give us lots of time and get stuff done early, but some of it just seemed to slip through the cracks. Now, between work and other stuff I don't know if there's enough time to get everything done. I'm not in panick mode, but maybe I should be. Part of me wants to say screw it and just let thing lie the way they are, but Babushka deserves to have a grand day, and I'm gonna have to really start pushing to make sure that happens.
Maybe it's time to stop being nice about stuff?

I Need A Friend

2009-01-04T03:00:00.000-05:00

I fought with my girlfriend again tonight. We are both drunk. I told her I wasn't going to chase after her anymore. I'm feeling down in the dumps. I left her several messages telling her I wanted to hear from her, and that I needed to know she was safe. Of course I got none. I left a message that said we were done as far as I'm concerned, considering the bullshit games and feel sorry for myself bullshit that went on tonight.

Was I too drastic? Should I leave more details? Have I been drinking too much lately? I think so. I need a friend to talk things through with. I need a friend right now. I'm desperate. I have no one I can talk to aimlessly and won't judge me. Truly the internet is a horrible place to turn to for a friend. It is a vast and empty void. Especially for a crying, remorseful drunk.

I Am Rather Drunk

2009-01-01T01:54:00.002-05:00

It Is taking me quite a while to make sure my finger placement is correct and make sure my spelling is superb while being drunk, as the grammar nazi in me is still telling me to make sure that everything is coming out perfectly. Currently I am a prisoner in my own household. I Make the mistake of inviting my girlfriends friends over to my house for a new years party. Unfortunately I've had enough of the alcohol in my house hold to keep me inebriated, and have thusly retreated to the basement to escape the six people that are currently sitting in my kitchen. I am too drunk and tired ( 2.5 hours of sleep today! woo hoo insomnia) to put up with the general tom-foolery and assholeishness coming from the people my girlfriend has invited over, and that I suggested we host.

I had hoped to at least see one of my friends this new years eve / day, and I haven't. I miss my friends. I currently want to either pass out on my bed, or drunkenly stumble three blocks away to a friends house, and throw up there, and continue to be amongst my friends, rather than strangers my girlfriend wants me to be friends with. Fuck that, I want my friends, not some random people. I want to be comfortable while drunk, not feel like some isolated hermit in my own household.

Joy, I've depserately wanted to talk to you recently, but yet, I can't seem to find you. I miss you horribly. I miss our friendship, I miss you. I miss being able to tell you anything, and I miss being able to rant and rave about the horrible and not so horrible things going on in my life. I miss having someones attention and get things off my chest without someone jumping to conclusions or shutting me out. Joy, I miss our talks. I'm feeling rather down and out for a drunk right now, but maybe thats the downers in the alcohol talking.

No more excuses people!

2008-12-04T14:41:00.000-05:00

Little ladies’ man pens dating primer
9-year-old Alec Greven advises boys of all ages how to get the right girl

click it!

2008-09-21T04:11:00.002-04:00

Does anyone check this anymore? I'm one lonely feeling son of a bitch right now, and strictly wondering if I could get a hold of an old friend. I feel like I only use this as a god damn crutch. Like I'm some junky that only comes here when I really need it.

less than a Year

2008-07-03T01:32:00.003-04:00

Yeah, I know I wasn't going to blog anymore, but I've been wierded out by the fact that I have less than a year till my wedding to go and felt like writing about it.
Seems like theres so much already done, yet so much left to do. We still have to go hunting for a place to live, not sure yet if it's an Appartment a House or a Condo. Also, we need to furnish it. I only own so much stuff for a living space, and she owns even less.
Then there's the guest list, which is going to be probably the biggest project of the whole wedding. So far she has close to 120 people on her list. I keep telling her shes got to cut it but shes afraid of upsetting anyone in her family. But no way am I paying for that many folks. I want to stay under 150 total, which means she has to cut back to about 75 or so. My list is around 85-90, and I can shorten it by eliminating most of the Canada relatives. Also, I have no problems cutting people because my family understands that I ain't rich.
Anyways, I gotta get back to work, but might stop in again to vent now and then.
Hope your all good.
Peace.

2008-02-01T03:09:00.000-05:00

I haven't finished the story, as I've neglected to do so. I have no good excuse. Call it laziness or whatever. I figure I can round it out now, and this is the last time I ever spent time with her. This was New Years night 2006. I left off as we were arriving to the party.

We got inside, the three of us (Adam, Karen, and myself) and immediately we run into a couple friends from high-school. Karen is looking around kinda sheepishly, but always, always has an inviting and approachable look to her. In her time in and out of the hospital, I don't think she'd ever been to a new years party with a bunch of people drinking heavily around her.

I'm going to cut out of the story here for a second and elaborate for a second. Elaborate about what I felt for her, and how I acted entirely different around our friends. I've known of this girl since the fifth grade, she was the cute new girl in school, hell, I was 10 years old then. I got to meet her in the eighth grade, the first day of school, when I decided that I was cool enough to ride in the back of the bus (because eighth grade was the last year for the middle-school years). She sat next to me, and immediately introduced herself. Hell, I knew who she was already, and man was it awesome that she gave a damn to introduce herself to my awkward as hell self. From there on, I got to see her most everyday, and we'd talk, and in general and be 12 and 13 year old kids without a care in the world. She'd every now and then fall asleep on my shoulder on the way to school, because it was A) a long ride to school, roughly 45 minutes, and B) we'd be up at 6 in the morning. Eighth grade ended, and I got a hug and her phone number on the last day of school. Little did I know that during that year in school, she was diagnosed with cancer.

Heres where I break down and tell you all that I'm a pussy. I never called her. She was the most intimidating person to me at the time. The thing is, I've always been a little overweight, and I thought to myself "Why the hell would she want to see you when there are 50 other guys she could hang out and be with." She would have hung out with me, all through high-school as well, she was the kind of person who would make time for her friends. I was afraid because she was so inviting... does that make sense? I was afraid that I liked her as more than a friend, but would she feel the same way? I was scared that I'd fuck things up, to put it simply, and lose a friend. I'm deathly afraid of rejection. Even now, I just want people to like me, to the point where I'll be a different person in front of one person, and be myself around another person.

I hate to turn this into shit about myself, but around my friends, I'm the mans man, I'll do shit other people might not, I'll act tough, and just go through with things. I like being that kind of guy, but I know I'm not that kind of guy. So, with someone like Karen around, I can relax and be the normal person I am, with my awkward ways and just be a dork. Now, to get back to the story. I have ADD when it comes to flowing in one direction.

I drink a couple of beers while we mingle around with people at the party. I know a few people, I've partied with a couple of them there. Adam wants to do a beer bong or five and I'm his spotter while Karen is mingling with the other girls at the party while the guys for the most part are in the kitchen being guys. Now Adam is getting shit housed, as was his intention the entire time that night, mine as well, until Karen was coming along. Adam is following through with his intention to the fullest. I forget how it came down to it, but Jackass was playing in the DVD player, and I ended up sitting down with Karen on the love seat, her on the left, me on the right. We all know that a love seat is just a couch with 2 spots to sit instead of 3 right? This isn't innuendo. Well, she gets grossed out at the real explicit parts of the show, and very cutely turns away from all of those scenes and starts talking to me about how it isn't necessary, but jokingly. For example:
Karen: Now why does he have to put fireworks on his skates? He's being an idiot, just look at how hard hes falling!
Myself: Come on! Rocket skates are awesome, they'll get you there faster, and then you can show off all the cool burns after you fall down and they explode on you.
Karen: That makes more sense now that you put it that way. maybe rocket skates will be the new extreme sport.
Myself: Exactly, it'll be trendy here in a couple months, but then everyone will be doing it, so it's not cool anymore.

And so on, and so on at each of those scenes. Movie ends, and there are more drunk guys and girls on the other couch all bitching about how theres nothing else on. Now, Karen and I are the only sober ones there. So we slyly made fun of the drunks to their faces. So we decide to put the movie Elf in. Now we both get to talking about how we enjoy the movie, while everyone around us groans about it. Fuck them, Elf is awesome, and Karen and I have that in common. Elf goes on.

Now it's cold in the house, and the drunks don't seem to mind, but with my crappy circulation in my fingers and toes, and a girl thats in and out of the hospital, its a bit chilly. My toes are freezing, and I pull them up onto the couch and Karen and I both come to the conclusion that a blanket is in order for the both of us. There just happens to be a throw blanket right behind us on the couch, so hell, we pulled that down and distributed the blanket on the both of our laps. We get a little bit closer together, but not in a romantic way, more of a "this blanket is small" sort of way. At this point whats going on in my head is this reasoning: I'm sitting next to the girl of my dreams, we have something in common to laugh and talk about, life couldn't be better. So soon the part of the movie comes up where Will Farrell is going to confront the mall santa. I tell her my favorite line from the entire movie is "You sit on a throne of lies." Heres a sample for you http://throneoflies.ytmnd.com . Karen then states that her favorite part is in there too, only her favorite line is "You stink, you smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like santa." Ignore the guys picture here, but heres a sample as well http://leathercheese.ytmnd.com . We get some good laughs out of that, and from there on just chit chat, and if I'm not slightly retarded.... I think we may have been half way flirting.

Holy shit I forgot the prelude of before we went to the party. We were at Adams house, the three of us, because it was common ground, and we were in his room, playing video games of all things, and it got on the subject of how none of us were in a relationship. She brought up about her last boyfriend was cool and all, but it just didn't work out between them, and she said something to the effect of "I'm not that bad to work around for a boyfriend right? I don't even ask that much about having him come visit, I just want to be with someone." Now at that point I got the hint that she was talking to Adam, but Adam made it clear that they were just friends, and it was going to stay that way... but in a very teenage drama sort of way, I thought she was into him. It somehow from there changed subjects to how Adam and I worked at the same place, and we both acquired a few scars there. From there I was showing off my newer ones from working in a warehouse for a major furniture retailer, assembling furniture. How I had put a box knife in my middle finger of all things, and have a cool scar there. Along with one across the bridge of my nose, from falling down and pushing shooting glasses into my face. Karen says thats nothing, turning around so her back is to me, and pulling up her shirt. She had a six or seven inch scar that ran parallel to her spine. The scar was from her multiple surgeries to try and remove the cancer from her spine. What can you say to that? The mood got more serious then, but she assured me it was okay to make jokes, saying once that after she lost all her hair, she wore some big hoop earrings and her mom responded with "ohh honey no... you look like mister clean." The mood lightened considerable then. Karen states a little later that she wants a kiss at midnight, and me and Adam both look at each other then at her in a skeptical-one-eyebrow-raised sort of way. "Not that kind of kiss, just a friendly peck!" Karen justified to us. Back to the party.

The movie ends, and Adam is shit housed, being his drunk self. Which is a fun guy to be around, because hes like a big honest toddler at that point. He just states things as he sees them, no bullshit drunk talk in there. He comes and plops down in the middle of me and Karen, on this love seat thats not meant for three people. I nearly get pushed off, and he's oblivious to interrupting a conversation, he just saw two of his friends sitting there, and he needed someone new to talk to. Why not two people he knew pretty well. Once again, Karen and I are poking fun at him (like most sober people will when around drunks), only not in a mean sort of way, just teasing really. He gets up to go drink some more beer, and it's damn near midnight, so we turn to the ball drop thing on the TV.

At that point everyone is watching this thing, and in all honesty, I was feeling a little nervous. She wanted a kiss. No big deal right? Well hell, it turned out to be no big deal. It was the three of us standing around together, and the ball strikes 12, and the whole big shin-dig in times square was going down. Karen turns to Adam and says "I want my kiss," and does that cute little pucker up and gets a peck from the guy. I gotta admit, I felt a little hurt, and like the big over analyzing idiot I am, thought way too much of it that she turned to him.I should have waited another three seconds before judging that I was the third wheel at this party. Karen then turns to me, and puckers up as well, and I get a midnight kiss as well. It was sweet, it was innocent, and it made me feel like a million dollars then.

I'm going to wrap this up then, and say that Adam stayed the night there as he was way too drunk to drive, while Karen called her folks, and had them pick us up on their way home from a party. I got a ride home, which I was very greatful for, being in my own bed is nicer than a couch at some guys house. It really wasn't too out of the way for them, being that I might be, at most, 4 blocks away.

I missed a big opportunity to rekindle and follow a friendship after that night. I never called her again. The last time I saw here was just after 1AM new years day 2007. I told myself I would call her, but I fell into that big standard of self doubt. I've turned this story more into it being about me than her, and I'm sorry if I bored anyone. I wish I knew her better. I wish I could have been her friend, or maybe just maybe, something more. Wishes don't count though, and hindsight is always clearest. I thought she was doing well with the cancer then... I didn't know shit.

Karen was special to me in a way she never knew. I'll miss her greatly, more than likely for the rest of my life. No longer do I feel sad when I think about her, I know shes better off then what was going on to her in this life. I want to state once more that by no means am I religious, I'm just not a religious person, it doesn't make sense to me. But someday, maybe, I hope to run into her again.

I'm so very very sorry that this is such a huge block of text. Thank you, holy shit thank you, to whoever might read through this. Thank you for letting me write this out and get it all out.

A side blog to go

2008-01-21T08:22:00.000-05:00

I have just said my farewell to Blind Idiot God. I started that journey several years ago when my life and heart were in purgatory. I have moved on since, and the future becons. Yet in doing so my time has shortened, and I have decided that it's time to close the book upon my journal. I will stop by from time to time, to check on those who I have come to care about so much, but as I said in my other blog: In Chaos, as in life, all thing end.
I wish you all well, thank you for your time and friendships. Think kindly of me from time to time if time itself allows.
Peace.

Joy... E-mail anytime my friend.

2008-01-12T18:36:00.000-05:00

Karen's service was today. It went very well, and everyone had the same thing to say. The nicest person anyone could have the opportunity to meet, she never wanted to leave anyone out, and had a million dollar smile. The picture over there doesn't really show that smile too well, but it's the only one that I was able to find online of her.

To carry on where I left off last time, as I showed up to that Perkins outing, It was a great surprise to see her there. She stood up and immediately opened her arms for a hug. This is the first time I'd seen her since the tenth grade, which was 4 years ago at that point. I gave her a gentle hug, not knowing how she was doing, and she replied with "Hug me like you mean it damn it!" Thats how I'm going to remember her.

A few days later new years came around, and Adam (a good friend, and old co-worker of mine, also the best friend of Karen) and I had a party to go to, well Karen being in and out of the hospital so often (which I had no clue of up until this past week) wanted to come along while she was still feeling well enough to go out and about. Stupidly, I had Adam have his contact pick up all the beer for this party, and instead of getting miller genuine draft, it was miller high life... no thanks. I had a beer and a half there, and that was enough of that trash. Being as we were all underage there, Adam very sneakily walked across the street with his beer as we walked up to the house, while I slowly just walked with a case of beer in hand, following behind Karen, who was having so much trouble walking because of the pain. The front stoop to get into the house took her a while, but I have all the patience in the world for someone like her.

Once again, I've got prior engagements at the bike shop I need to attend to, nothing like a funeral and an employee poker shindig all in one day right? I'd just like to say that I'm still sad that she had to pass so young, but it was really for the best, she was in so much pain. I'm not a religious person by any means, but I really hope I can run into her again some day. Till later, I will carry on. Thanks Az and Joy, I truly appreciate being able to just write this down and get it out. It's very liberating to just let the text flow, and get it out there instead of keeping it all inside. To be continued again.

2008-01-07T04:54:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time for myself, and most of you have no clue who I am. My name is Dan, I'm twenty years old, and feeling very restless at the moment. I want to get out of town and get away to my folks cabin just outside of Ely, MN. No electricity, no running water. I want to sit outside in the cold, around a fire and just look up at the stars. No city lights to interfere, nothing but myself, and the crackling of the fire. I want to sit on an old wooden bench that has been there since I can remember, with a pile of wood next to me. My back would be cold, but I wouldn't care. I'd just stare in to the fire and get lost in thought, or perhaps the lack of. I want to get out of town, but I have other responsibilities to tend to. Sometimes I wish I didn't, just so I could get away.

I'm writing now because I have no other place to vent. I could try and talk to my friends around me, but they aren't the type that wants to hear it. I could try talking to my folks, but each of them would react differently. My dad wouldn't know how to respond, and would lose interest fast, or all in all wouldn't want to hear it either. My mom would attempt to listen, but do so in a very motherly, coddling way. I don't want that, I want to talk to someone like a compassionate, genuinely caring friend, not someone who will mewl and feel the need to hug me to "make it all better."

Someone died Saturday, January fifth, two-thousand-eight. Someone I cared about greatly, but hardly knew. I went to school with her, sat next to her on the bus all of eighth grade, and all of geometry tenth grade. I never spoke to her between that year and up till last year when I was invited of all things to eat with a buddy at a Perkins restaurant. That's four years that I regret, plus the one just recently. As I sit here, crying, with all sincerity and honesty I can muster, wish I could turn back the clock.

As I sat across the table from her that night at Perkins with our other three friends and acquaintances we sat talking to each other, carrying on our own conversation over everyone else.

I'll continue on later , I haven't been sleeping lately, and finding out this news just this past Sunday, will more than likely not help me benefit with insomnia. My eyes feel like they want to escape my skull, and as Jack said best in Fight Club: "With insomnia nothing is real, everything is far away ... with insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake." I'm going to go close my eyes, and hope for the best. Thanks to those few who might actually read this.

A year in the Life of a Blogg

2007-12-26T21:42:00.000-05:00

Hello my friends...
It has truely been a long time and I'm missing my blogging ways. I just want to reconnect with you all before the years end and say what a tremendous experience blogging has been for me this past year. This past year I opened myself up to Joy, a women I have never met in real life and one whom I have a deep and profound love for, this woman saved me from a deep pit of dispare. Az whom I have never met but his compassionate wisdom has carried me through some darkness as well, Kat whose hope was at times inspiring and whose clip art always makes me smile. I have shared my art, my words, my soul, my emotions with you all and you have become dear to me even though we don't see each other or post as often as we used to. You are all in my thoughts for the new year and here is hoping this next one is a damn site better then the last one was.
Lets make a pact to let each other know we are here and connected.

Much peace my blogging breatherin and may writters block not keep you down.

Love
Kuan

It's the holiday season....

2007-12-20T03:59:00.000-05:00

Such fun. The homelessness is going to continue for the foreseeable future, possibly into mid-Jan. I also have no where to go for the holidays, Babushkas Grandma is going to be staying at the house and so I can't sleep there. I may be able to stay with one of my Aunts, but it's might be my car for X-mas since everyone will be having company for the day and it'll be impossible for me to get any sleep for work that night. So I might just park the car at a garage in the city and sleep in the back. Ho ho ho.
Anyways, I hope everyone's doing good and has a great holiday. I'll try to post again before X-mas but I'm not sure if I'll get a chance.
Peace.

Breastestess

2007-12-15T02:04:00.000-05:00

Got into a long discussion recently with my Babushkas visiting friend over why it is that boobs are such a taboo subject sometime. It's ok for men to like asses or legs (heck I've lost count on how many popular songs there are about them), but if your a breast man people think your a scumbag. She thinks its because women have no control over the size of their breasts. You can improve your ass or legs by workouts, but other than surgery theres not much that can be done about the top. But why does that make a man an a**hole if he likes big boobs? It's not like I'll only date a girl if shes top heavy, heck my second longest lasting relationship was with someone who would have had to stuff her bra to be a B-cup. To be honest, when it comes to dating the thing I look for is the smile, and the sense of humor that goes with it. I just can't date someone who takes life seriously and never laughs. But if I'm just looking, guess what I like to look at? So that makes me a bad person? I just don't get it.

This town...is coming like a ghost town....

2007-12-01T00:31:00.000-05:00

Hello?

...listens to the wind blowing....

Is anybody there?
...watches a tumbleweed roll by...

Hello?...Anyone?.....

...sun begins to set...
......dusk starts to fall...
.........watches the shadows grow long.....

hellooooo?????

descending

2007-10-18T08:02:00.000-04:00

...
...

i sat on the beach today, as the sun went down, and i thought of those who are not in my life, despite the promises once made, and for some reason i couldn't get pink floyd out of my head

...

how i wish

....how i wish you were here

we're just 2 lost souls

............swimming in a fish bowl

.............................year after year

.......running over the same old gorund

of how we found

................................the same old fears

...

...................................... i wish you were here

Peek-A-Boo

2007-10-04T03:12:00.000-04:00

I wanted to update my blogger photo, but needed a vaild Http to do so so I figured I'd post it here first.

Ok, so I can't get it to work. Blogger won't let me change me profile picture and I don't know why. Poop.

Bare Naked Ladies 'War on Drugs'

2007-09-29T20:44:00.000-04:00

Near where I live there's a viaduct
Where people jump when they're out of luck
Raining down on the cars and trucks below

They've put a net there to catch their fall
Like that'll stop anyone at all
What they don't know is when nature calls, you go

They say that Jesus and mental health
Are just for those who can help themselves
But what good is that when you live in hell on earth?

And the very fear that makes you want to die
Is just the same as what keeps you alive
It's way more trouble than some suicide is worth

Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves
Of all these demons haunting us
To keep us company
Won't it be odd to be happy like we
Always thought we're supposed to feel
But never seem to be

Visitation rights

2007-09-19T00:41:00.001-04:00

So my little Babushka has a friend of hers from collage coming to visit. This is the same friend she went to see down in Colombia. The girl is coming up for about a month and a half. Now, I'm glad shes coming, I like this friend a lot, but she also has a list of things she wants to do while shes here, and it's like a page and a half long. And of course she won't be bringing much moeny, and of course Babushka doesn't make that much at her job, so guess hwo gets to pay. Now I don't mind normally, but I'm still paying off Babushkas ring, and I'm trying to put money away for us to get a place, and I just don't know how I'm going to afford all of this. Add in that she'll be here around X-mas, which means I also need to find money for X-mas gifts (yeah, I'm the type who buys like eveyone something, even if it's not big. I usually start my shopping now). So this should be an interesting visit. I'm going to try and save up so I can take the three of us to Broadway for maybe the Lion King, but beyond that I'm not sure how I'm going to do the rest of stuff she wants to do. Ug.....

New music

2007-08-19T14:37:00.000-04:00

Thanks to a young lady at work I have been introduced to yet more good music. Always a good thing to expand one's musical horizons. For those of you who are interested check out the following songs:

Anna Nalick- Paper Bag
Anna Nalick- Wreck of the Day
Colbie Caillat- Bubbly
Colbie Caillat- One Fine Wire
Sara Bareilles- Fairytale
Lisa Germano- Liquid Pig
Lizzie West- Chariots Rise
Lizzie West- The Day We Met

Omg they're Canadian!???!

2007-08-07T11:54:00.000-04:00

101 Post and Kindred Spirits

2007-08-02T15:40:00.000-04:00

When I began this blog I had a few people in mind I wanted to add to it. I added them, some have disappeared (Dan :() and some have just gotten involved in life a bit more then we were at those moments when posting to our blogs was keeping our souls fed and nurtured when the outside world couldnt. But one thing we all have in common here is this.

Az, Kuan, Cat and myself, we have all had some serious struggles, some ugly moments, some horribly tragic circumstances that could have made us prematurely OLD. Things that could have made us like those bitter people we eye from time to time while promising ourselves we wont be those people no matter what happens to us, through us, or because of us. Ive fallen back on every one of you at some point in the last few years, in Cats case for the last 2 decades. And the one thing that makes it truely amazing is that not only do we not jump in the pity party pool with each other, but we actually lift each other up.

I remember laying on the couch at my fathers house 2 years ago now, wondering what the fuck was wrong with me, wondering how I could straighten out what was broken in me, when I reached over, still laying down and opened my blog. And I seen a post from Az that made me tear up and smile at the same time. I immediately got up and ended my pity party and went right out to kick lifes ass some more.

I remember the first time I talked to Kuan on the phone and it was as if I was talking to someone I had known ALL of my life. No hesitation, no uncomfortable silences. Souls renewing friendships never do feel that way :)

And I really cant begin to describe the place that Cat has had in my life. It would take hours, but she knows and I know that no matter what happens or where we go, we will always drift together again. It keeps us lifted up. I know for a fact it does.

Peeking in

2007-07-05T09:19:00.000-04:00

So I've been on an extended blog leave, but I felt the need to peek in and see whats been going on. No commenting, just a look see. Seems like not much has changed. Then I felt like writing, but didn't want to disturb my absense. So I figured I'd drop a line over here on the dark side of my blog (because most of my regular readers don't come here.). Life has been ok. I'm gearing up to head to Canada for about 2 weeks in late July. Almost everthing I'm doing right now is towards that end. My little Babushka is comeing with me, as well as 2 cousins and 1 of thier girls.
Anyways, it's been a wierd morning. I had last night off work, wich is my regular night off but I was supposed to do overtime, but it got canceled. So of course I couldn;'t sleep (I work night shift now). So here it is at 9am and I'm drinking a Guiness beer and not sure what to do with myself. I'll be seeing Babushka later today. She got mad at me yesterday for not going to see her since I had the night off, but I've been a bit depressed so I didn't feel like going anywhere. of course her complaining about me not coming didn't help my mood, so i ended p taking a happy pill (something I try and not do too often) becuase I was starting to scare myself. Now maybe it was stupid of me to have a beer after taking one of those pills, but I didn't think of that till after I finished half the beer. Oh well.
One of my friends keeps calling me because she had an anxiety attack and called an ambulace for herself (she took the worng meds and had a bad reaction) and they thought she was trying to comit suicide and called the cops and they took her kid away ( he wasn't home during all this, he was having a sleep over). So shes a wreck, and here I am depressed and trying to cheer her up. Right.
My friend Brennenenenena Is coming home to have her wedding reception here in CT (she lives and got married in Denver) but it's taking place while I'm away in Canada. Poop.
Also my friend Isis is no longer taking my calls. She got remarried a few months ago and is aparently trying to cut all ties to her past(she knew the guy less than 3 months). 3 years of dating, 15 years of freindship, and all gone poof. Poop.
Anyways, that about sums up most of my life right now. Work is ok, boring but pays well. All I want is to get away for a while. hen maybe I'll start blogging again. We'll see.
I miss ya Joy, hope your doing good. And welcome to all the other new folks here at the round Table, I go away for a bit and suddenly theres all new faces for me to get to know. Soon I hope. Kuan, hope you feeling better and that you get some good chicken soup soon.
Peace.

Darn

2007-06-25T16:49:00.000-04:00

So I'm back in the hospital once again, with that sick feeling and chest pain. I really am starting to loose faith in the Medical community in good ole Florida doesn't seem they can figure out just what is wrong with me still. On the good side my heart looks good so far the tests are coming up negative, thank god.

Oh well

Peace
K

God having a cold sucks

2007-06-21T16:05:00.000-04:00

Ok so I'm home from work today, I have some how managed to catch a nasty cold and it sucks. I'm bored.... I finished my new drawing (you can see it on my blog page) and now I have nothing to do, no one to talk to (god do I sould pathetic or what), and worst of all no one to bring me chicken soup. Shit I don't even have any interesting coments on my blog page all my stalkers are AFK (away from Kuan) slackers. I have been feeling rather naughty lately, if you need clarity kinky, dirty, wicked, horney ok thats as far as I dare to go with this lol.
GOD I NEED TO GET A LIFE, or a wife, or a "friend" with "benefits", or at the very least some one who knows how to make as good as chicken soup as I do.
Any hooo no ones poster here in a while so WTF do you all have mass writers block or what?

Peace
K

Wagons East

2007-04-15T08:29:00.000-04:00

It's pouring rain.
It's the last day of our move.
Babushka's Grandpa passed away.
I'll be off comp till I can get it set up at new place.
Hope your all doing ok.
Peace til I get back.

Tha Man

2007-04-11T10:19:00.000-04:00

Okay sorry but I have to do this. Denis Leary may be considered a comedian who speaks like hes enraged, chain smokes and drinks beer on stage, but to be honest, I think hes one of the smartest modern philosophers still living. Here are some of his best quotes.

"It doesn't matter how big the warnings on the cigarettes are; you could have a black pack, with a skull and crossbones on the front, called TUMORS, and smokers would be around the block going, "I can't wait to get my hands on these fucking things! I bet ya get a tumor as soon as you light up!"

"What's the problem with just smoking a joint, eating a couple of twinkies, and going to sleep, was that a problem? "

"I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, goddammit! It was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! I don't fuckin' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"

"Smoking takes ten years off your life. Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, kidney dialysis, adult diaper fucking years. You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright?"

"Remember Jim Fixx? The big famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day. Did a jogging book. Did a jogging video. Dropped dead of a heart attack when? When he was fucking jogging, that's when!"

"Yeah, I'd like to do some cocaine. I'd like to do a drug that makes my penis small, makes my nose bleed, makes my heart explode, and sucks all my money out of the bank."

"That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now"

"Stevie Ray Vaughan is dead, and we can't get Jon Bon Jovi onto a fucking helicopter!"

"Cocaine, we started that. You're welcome."

"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible. Hot pink! With whale-skin hubcaps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights! Yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 MPH, getting one mile per gallon, suckin' down Quarter-Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable Styrofoam container and when I'm done suckin' down those grease-ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag, and I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs. That's why! Two words! Nuclear fuckin' weapons, okay? Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cake and walk right through the middle of Tiananmen Square and it won't make a lickin' difference cause we got the bombs, okay? "

100 best Movie Quotes? I beg to differ....

2007-04-11T10:05:00.000-04:00

http://www.afi.com/tvevents/100years/quotes.aspx

The list that you'll see if you follow the above link is AFI's 100 best movie quotes of all time. While I do admit that they are good quotes, I think they missed some. So here's my list of quotes that should have been added to the list.:

Princess Bride: My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.
Pulp fiction: No, I'm pretty fucking far from OK
Willy Wanka and the Chocolate Factory: Wait, take that, reverse it, thank you.
13th Warrior: Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.
Aliens: That's it, man. Game over, man! Game over!
Apocalypse Now: I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
Army of Darkness: Alright you primitive screw-heads, listen up. See this? This is my boomstick!
Bachlor Party: I think you're an asshole. No, no, let me correct that, an immature asshole. Which is fine, except that you're marrying my daughter and I'm afraid that my grandchildren are gonna be little assholes.
Better Off Dead: Go that way, really fast; if something gets in your way . . . turn./[I]'m real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky./Two Dollars.
Big Labowski: You're not wrong, Walter! You're just an a**hole!
Blazing Saddles: Mongo only pawn in game of life.
Christmas Story: You'll shoot your eye out!
Die Hard: You asked for miracles, Theo. I give you the F.B.I.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
Fish Called Wanda: to call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you! I've worn dresses with higher I.Q.s!
Ghostbusters: We came. We saw. We kicked its ass!
Last Dragon: Who's the Master? Sho'Nuff
Mad Max, Beyond Thunderdome: Two men enter, one man leaves.
Stripes: There's something wrong with us! Something very, very wrong with us! Something seriously wrong with us! We're soldiers, but we're American soldiers! We've been kicking ass for 200 years! We're 10-and-1!
2010: I don't know if Hal is homicidal, suicidal, neurotic, psychotic, or just plain broken.
Jaws: You're gonna need a bigger boat./ Anti-shark cage. You go inside the cage? Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark's in the water. Our shark. Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again./

Thats all I can think of right now. So what would be your favorites that they didn't put on the list?

A favorite poem

2007-04-02T16:19:00.000-04:00

Road Not Taken, The
by Robert Lee Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

He did have an unusual obsession with the woods I think, but hell who doesn't love the woods they are some of the most Serene and beautiful places I can imagine. Funny thing though about the road less traveled and not taking the familiar path. I think when we are young taking the path not known is so much easier as we have that immortality thing working in our favors, where we don't think so much of consequences as we do immediate gratification to some indulgent human want or need.
I think as we get older and strike out on our own we take less chances and do what is familiar and what is known, what works, what is comfortable as there is so much more to loose then. Then as we get older again we take that unfamiliar path as it leads to death and the great unknown, that we have no option of avoiding.
Perhaps when we were in the middle of this we didn't take unfamiliar roads for fear that we would fail and be viewed as such not just in our eyes but in the eyes of those around us.
At this juncture do I step outside of my box or do I stay on the path that I know...?
Do I possess the courage to say "hey I may not have a piece of paper that says I can do this but I can do this". And what about my art?
Art is grand wish I could make a living out of it... I wish I could sit in a flower filled field and paint pictures all day with out care or concern, I think that is where my bliss is, just hard to make a living at it with out having to sell out to the man and that I'll never do. I'm a soul artist I paint from my heart, my emotions, my gut. You have to "feel" my work not just look at it and say "thats cute" people who don't get it say shit like that, I feel sorry for them really I do.

Random I know but its what I've been pondering today.

Peace
Q

Just a quote I like

2007-03-27T23:19:00.000-04:00

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
-Carl Jung-

This is one of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite Psychologists, a man I think who was ahead of his time but so damn accurate about our animal instincts that lie like primal beasts deep within us.
Have you ever met some one who you feel so connected to in a way that you have never been connected to with another person in your whole life, some one who understands your depth and primal desires with out ever having met them? But knowing that the only reason you get that is because through the computer you can let your self be that part of you that you just can't be in life. Its amazing to me that you Joy said that in your post today about just knowing you can open a web page and find Samara (Sanskrit word for like mindedness), and find a bond with people you have never met.
Is it because we allow ourselves to be who we really are in a way we can't be outside for fear of getting swallowed up by the constant barrage of sorrow and suffering we get in the real world? That over time we have gotten so good at protecting ourselves and settling for what is instead of what is unknown, do we trust the process that little now?
I get so tired of playing it safe or being on my guard some times it takes so much work it seems yet I'm seemingly powerless to not do it. Damn those sub conscious defence mechanisms do they ever stop trying to protect us from our past, will we ever let them?
I shared my poetry with a friend tonight that I feel that undescribable connection to and it felt good to share a hidden part of myself again, which isn't some thing I've done for a long, long time. I made myself vunerable what a strange feeling.

Peace
K

Wow

2007-03-26T22:29:00.000-04:00

Im glad that I am at the point in my life that I can see a perfect thing, and not be ignorant enough to screw it up. Fantasy is a big part of my life. But I have a living fantasy. One that everyone, man or woman, wants but not all have. It is a precious thing and as far as I am concerned the presence of this much desired friendship is worth keeping it so. Ive gone to this friend in need before, and had the weight of the world and many years of abuse and neglect just washed right off of me. And the processed used to achieve this is more desirable then can be imagined. We are so perfect for each other, we have the 'no need to speak, never an uncomfortable silence' type of friendship. Yeah, we use each other too but its not an ugly thing, its not cheap nor even out of the ordinary for us anymore. Its just a fact. Ive also never ever not once made the first move with this person. Very odd thing about it is he really is a chick magnent. Its hard describe how girls act around this guy, and any girl nearby can sure as hell understand the reaction if they arent in the throes of it at that time.
Oh, believe me Ive had my moments where I thought for a second, hey, this could work, he could be my boyfriend. Well, haha @ me for those few helpless seconds one day back yonder in time, but at least now, to this day, I can appreciate that its always there for me. That renewal of soul, spirit and body that I get from this lover of 17 years.

He is personally responsible for renewing me, for rejuvenating me during times in my life I thought that would be impossible. I owe him a lot. Hes had some problems lately, so I had to avoid him for a long time for my own good, but he seems to be at least trying atm, so I had to go see him. Look at him. Just as ever, just as day one, and the last day will be, our souls spoke to each other. Our lips never moved.

Joys Friday List

2007-03-23T14:39:00.000-04:00

Waiting on the world to change - Mayer (this is a gen x song if ever there was one)
Saving Me - Nickleback
What I got - Sublime ( this song reminds me of my friend Ben)
Come as you are - Nirvana (classic imo)
Santeria - Sublime (another classic)

My list for friday !

Hope all are well

Reach out and Touch Me

2007-01-03T00:18:00.000-05:00

I am coming to realize even through all the blogging how important it can be to just let down the guard and reach out and touch another person, another soul. I cant say enough how important it is to realize that the little things are the ONLY things that matter. Buying a new car isnt as important as the dealer who empathized with your low funds and gave you a break on the price. Having a baby isnt as important as the moment when that baby looks up at you and says 'Momma!' Having a kindred spirit in another blogger isnt as wonderful as that blogger coming through for you to lift your spirits when you thought they were at their lowest.

The little things, are the only things worth remembering.

Tuesday Random 10

2006-12-27T01:27:00.000-05:00

1. Drop the Bomb - Powerman 5000
2. All This Ugly - Crash Test Dummies
3. Cumbersome - Seven Mary Three
4. Tangled Up In Blue - Bob Dylan
5. Pushing Me Away - Linken Park
6. Jesus' Brother Bob - Arrogant Worms
7. Live For The Moment - Monster Magnet
8. Hey Jude (Acoustic) - Beatles
9. People Watching - Jack Johnson
10. The Muppet Theme - Muppets

and my always extra 2:
1. Wish I Had A River - Robert Downey Jr.
2. Be Careful what You Eat - Animaniacs

News of the Weird

2006-12-13T01:20:00.000-05:00

In November a report from the Missouri House's Special Committee on Immigration Reform blamed much of their state's acquiescence to illegal immigration on the fact that since Roe v. Wade in 1973, 80,000 potential Missourians have been aborted, thus helping to create job vacancies for aliens. [MSNBC-AP, 11-16-06] [Jefferson City News Tribune, 11-14-06]

Great Art!
"I've always had the desire to play (the cello) naked," said Ms. Jesse Hale, a music major at Austin Peay State University (Clarksville, Tenn.) and member of the CJ Boyd Sexxxtet of nude cellists who play their experimental, chant-like songs in concert around the country. Hale, who says she's been playing naked since sixth grade, explained to Austin Peay's newspaper in September that cellists "make full body contact with (their) instrument," and their legs even "wrap" around it so that "(i)t just feels natural." [The All State, 9-6-06]

Police Blotter: (1) (from the Morning Sentinel, Waterville, Maine, Nov. 10) "6 p.m., a woman said she suspected someone had sabotaged her washing machine. A police investigation concluded that an imbalanced laundry load had caused the shaking."

Election Roundup (continued)
Utah officials are investigating results in Daggett County, where 947 people were registered to vote on Nov. 7 (compared to the county's entire 2005 census population of 943). And in tiny Waldenburg, Ark., the mayor and his challenger tied at 18 votes each, with the only other candidate, Randy Wooten, receiving zero, which Wooten said was impossible because he had voted for himself.

In October, airline baggage courier Rodney Petersen, 30, pleaded guilty in Melbourne, Australia, to stealing hairs (head and pubic) from clothing or hairbrushes in women's luggage. At his home, police found 80 plastic bags containing hairs, labeled with each owner's name. [The Guardian (London), 10-26-06] [Agence France-Presse, 10-20-06]

Least Competent Criminals
Sheboygan, Wis., in November, police arrested Leah Jerolimek, 21, and charged her with trying to pass a counterfeit $20 bill at a gas station, even though the bill (made with a computer and printer) was blank on the back. [KOMO-TV (Seattle), 10-3-06] [Star Tribune (Minneapolis)-AP, 11-12-06]

Ray Stevens 'Jack Daniels, You Lied To Me'

2006-10-01T02:55:00.000-04:00

You started talking soon as i sat down
giving me tips on love
sayin how i was good looking
the kind of guy most women were dreaming of
then after just about an hour or so
you started pointing out the girls
that i should get to know
sure enough i thought i fell in love
and you kept saying go man go

but jack daniels you lied to me again
yes you did
you told me that she was the greatest thing
that ever happened to a man
you said this was it
she was the one
and i'd still be in love when the morning comes
but jack daniels you lied to me again
yes you did

i used to count on old jim bean
but he kept letting me down
he'd line me up with a rodeo queen
next day she'd be lookin like a rodeo clown
jose cuervo couldn't find me a beauty
and johnny walker failed when he said he could
yeah all of you fellows are real smooth talkers
but your eyesights not so good

since jack daniels you lied to me again
yes you did
you told me that she was the greatest thing
that ever happened to a man
you said this was it
she was the one
and i'd still be in love when the morning comes
but jack daniels you lied to me again
yes you did

oh i'm forgetting about wine women and song
and the next time i go out you ain't coming along

jack daniels you lied to me again
yes you did
you told me that she was the greatest thing
that ever happened to a man
you said this was it
she was the one
and i'd still be in love when the morning comes
but jack daniels you lied to me again

Why I hate people

2006-09-17T00:17:00.000-04:00

Just before the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, John M. Lyons Jr. filed a lawsuit in New Orleans against Mark Morice, who admits to commandeering Lyons' 18-foot pleasure boat during the chaos after Katrina hit in order to rescue more than 200 people (according to his count), including a 93-year-old dialysis patient whose wife praised Morice for a Times-Picayune story. Nonetheless, said Lyons, Morice (who voluntarily identified himself to Lyons for taking the boat) didn't have permission to use it, and since it was ultimately lost (Morice said he abandoned it for other rescuers to use), and insurance covered less than half of its replacement, Lyons says Morice should pay him $12,000.
[Times-Picayune, 8-26-06]

Kenny Chesney writes a song to my Demon

2006-09-04T00:50:00.000-04:00

Well I drank 'til I stumbled
I drank 'til I fell
When the drunk part was over it hurt me like hell
And I know about drinking
So I know one thing's true
Being drunk's a lot like loving you

'Cause I loved 'til I stumbled
I loved 'til I fell
When the loving was over it hurt me like hell
And I know what a taste of the wrong love can do
Being drunk's a lot like loving you

And I woke up one morning and sworn off the drink
At that I've done reasonably well I think
But I haven't done well swearing off you and me
At that I fail miserably

Well I felt the hangover of loving all night
I've sat at the bar all alone in a fight
I've bottled up feelings and poured 'em out too
Being drunk's a lot like loving you

And I woke up one morning and sworn off the drink
And at that I've done reasonably well I think
But I haven't done well swearing off you and me
At that I fail miserably

Well I drank 'til I stumbled
I loved 'til I fell
When the drunk part was over love hurt me like hell
Well I know about drinking
So I know one thing's true
Being drunk's a lot like loving you

Though I know what a taste what the wrong love can do
Sometimes I still get drunk loving you

A few sips of the old rotgut

2006-08-30T00:48:00.000-04:00

I bang on the door but she won't let me in
'Cause you're sick and tired of me reeking of gin
You lock all the doors from the front to the back
And left me a note telling me I should pack
I walk in the bar and the fella's all cheer
Order me up a whiskey and beer
If you ask me why I'm writing this poem
Some call it tavern, but I call it home

Fuck you I'm drunk,
Fuck you I'm drunk
Pour my beer down the sink,
I've got more in the trunk
Fuck you I'm drunk,
Fuck you I'm drunk
And I'm going to be drunk 'till the next time I'm drunk

You've given me an option, you said I must choose
between you an' the liquor, then I'll take the booze
I'm jumpin' on Western down to the southside
Where I'll sit down and exercise my Irish Pride

Fuck you I'm drunk,
Fuck you I'm drunk
Pour my beer down the sink
I've got more in the trunk
Fuck you I'm drunk,
Fuck you I'm drunk
And I'm going to be drunk 'till the next time I'm drunk

Quotes from a funny man

2006-08-12T00:11:00.000-04:00

Fun Quotes from Terry Pratchett:

I have nothing to offer you except thanks, which of course are notorious for their evaporative tendencies.

She had never mastered the art of appologizing, but she apreciated it in other people.

You can work out how much energy a kangaroo uses when it makes a jump, count how many jumps it makes in a day, and deduce a lower limit on it's daily energy requirements.... Do the sums and you find that the kangaroos daily energy requirments is about ten times as big as anyhting it can get from it's food. Conclusion: Kangaroo's can't jump. Since they can't jump they can't find food, so they're all dead.
Strangely, Australia is positivly teeming with Kangaroos, who fortunatly can't do physics.

Myths, not least Jurassic Park itself, have suggested that dinosaurs are not 'really' extinct at all...Significantly no one has made a film about bringing back dodos, moas, pygmy elephants, or mosasaurs.... Only dinosaurs and Hitler are popular for the reawakening myth.
Both at the same time would be a good trick.

It means that either the universe is more full of wonder than we can hope to understand or, more probably, that scientist make things up as they go along.

Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwhile career in the street-cleaning, fruit picking, and subway guitar playing industries have been founded on a lack of understanding this simple fact.

Back crap

2006-08-05T23:15:00.000-04:00

So I threw out my back last weekend, and I'm still waiting for it to get back to normal. I don't need the cane anymore (which I needed the first few days after it went out), but I still have problems standing up if I've been sitting or lying for more than a few minutes. I just hope it goes away before I leave for Cananda on the 18th. I'm not sure if I'll be able to manage the 10 1/2 hour drive if my back is hurting, but I refuse to not go. Which would mean getting up there and not being able toi do anything.
This should be an interesting year to go anyways. Due to timing this will be the first eyar I'll be up there without any other family there. I'm used to either my folks or my sister being there while I am. What makes it so interesting is that while I can get to the cottage without a prob, I'm not sure how to get to some of the place aroudn the cottage without help. There are places in surrounding towns that I like to go to, but I've never been the one to drive to them, which means I've never paid that much attention on how to get there. Since much of the area is just open woods and farm land there isn't a ton of landmarks to show the way. But I still want to take babushka to some of these spots, like the giant Tag Sale and a great fish and chips place (really great when considering that I don't like fish but will still eat there). There's also an amusment area and , well not sure what you'd call it but it's a place that has long concrete slides that you go down in these plastic racers with lever brakes on them for speed control.
But we don't have a comp or even a phone at the cottage so I have no way of getting direction for them. I mean, I'm sure Babushka won't mind if we don't go to them, what she doesn't know right? But I was hoping to take her and I'll be disapointed.
So cross your fingers that my sad old emmory might jst be able to work better than I hope.
Ok, gotta go, my back can't take sitting down this long.

By Dawns Early Light

2006-07-23T05:19:00.000-04:00

Another sleepless night. I tried not sleeping 2 nights ago, pulling a 24 hour straight. It worked great, alst night I slept like a rock. Then tonight I was up all night again. I'd hoped I'd get back on a regualr schedual, but nooooooooooo. Not my stupid body. Not sure why sleep is avoiding me. I wonder if I'm going to end up sleeping only ever other night now?
This so sucks.

Memories that don't let go

2006-06-30T01:04:00.000-04:00

Don't know why I'm sitting here thinking about her tonight. I think it was the music that brought her back to the front of my mind. I didn't pick them out on purpose, or at least not conciously, but each song reminds me of her. Blues Traveller "The Mountains Win Again", Don Henley "Boys of Summer", Ray Price "For the Good Times", Indigo Girls "Ghost".

Not that she ever fully leaves my mind, but I keep her in the back whenever I can. But now she sits here with me and the loss I still feel. It's been 2 1/2 years now. Not the longest she's been gone, that would be 4 years which was the last time before now. But knowing that she has a family of her own now makes me believe that she's not coming back, ever. What use does she have for an old fat kid now?

I don't really like to go to the movies anymore, and forget about bars. I cringe when someone mentions kereoke. When I visit my friend Kells in Hamden I find myself looking at every crowd, into every passing car, just in case. I know she's in the town somewhere, but not exactly where. Probably closer to New Haven than I go, but who knows right? I don't know how to let go of her. I always thought the pain would one day eclipse the love, but it hasn't happened yet.

I'd be happy just to be friends again. Just to see her once in a while. Just to hear her voice occasionally. Just to know she thinks about me at all now. Just to never think about her again.

How do I get free?

OWWWWW

2006-06-12T13:09:00.000-04:00

Stubbed my damn little toe! 2 days ago I stubbed it and split it down the middle, right down to the bone. Now I stubbed it again. I have a band aid holding it together. This so sucks. Damn appendeges!

Where do we go from here?

2006-05-06T18:59:00.000-04:00

I found myself in an ugly place today. I suppose it is somewhat near the ugly place Az found himself in a few post ago here and I know he will understand what I am saying here but I want advice from anyone who has it.
When you are young, you go out into the world full of hope or hate, either way you go out with a clean slate. What is put on that slate is determined by your inner strength and how much you let others control your fate, in my opinion. Well everytime fate has backhanded me, Ive gotten right back up, sometimes slower the other times, but Ive gotten up and went on my way. Sometimes full of hate and despair, and sometimes full of love and yet more useless hope. Ive done my best to make sure I am the only one who writes anything on that slate, and so far Ive done a decent job, could have done better but Im not dissatisfied with the way Ive handled most things in life. I had a child when I was 15, immediately followed by a life saving surgery. Ive given and wasted all my love on people who never deserved it. All these years, every since that first ugly relationship, Ive been able to tell myself I just dont care anymore. Books, the computer, idle conversation has always filled that hole left in my heart by so many others who didnt deserve a place in my heart to begin with. So here I stand at a crossroads in my life. If I do make any money off of my book, I will remain as I am in my heart. I may have a nicer car, I may have more shoes in my closet, but I will never fall into the hopeless trap of believing in people who never believed in me in the first place.

So this week I learned a couple of ugly things about myself. All these years Ive lived, survived, just fine with my fuck it all attitude. I am willing to admit that it has failed me. Because now I am lonely. You are never as lonely as you are when surrounded by people and feeling no connection to them. That is where I find myself.

Ok so as a teen I had the newbie attitude, I was willing to give any part of myself away for the love of others.
As an adult I decided fuck the world. And I lived very happily with that attitude for most of my life now.
Now, I want someone to share things with. I want the love I have been denied all these years.

'If I should be short on words
And long on things to say
Could you crawl into my world
And take me worlds away
Should I be beside myself
And not even stay

And I’m lost, behind
Words I’ll never find
And I’m left behind
As seasons roll on by'

That pretty much describes it yep.

Funny comment

2006-04-26T00:34:00.000-04:00

Came upon this comment at Libby's blog, it's by a guy named Boneman:

Meanwhile, I heard some voices out back at the pond last night and went out t'look. Dunno why, but I took a bucket with me, just in case I needed to protect m'self.Well, as I got closer I could see that it was a buncha gals having a moonlight swim, and I'm pretty sure they weren't wearing anything, so I just meandered over to the water's edge, and they saw me and went fer the deep end...
"Mister!" they yelled out at me, "We ain't coming out till yer gone!"
I said, "that's alright, girls. You can stay as long as you want, I won't be bothering you....." chuckle, " ....I just came out t'feed the gators..."

Made me laugh so hard I spit soda on the rug.

Bare Naked Ladies "War on Drugs"

2006-04-25T23:22:00.000-04:00

They say that Jesus and mental health
Are just for those who can help themselves
But what good is that when you live in hell on earth?
When the very fear that makes you want to die
Is just the same as what keeps you alive
It's way more trouble than some suicide is worth

Won't it be dull when we rid ourselves
Of all these demons haunting us
To keep us company
Won't it be odd to be happy like we
Always thought we're supposed to feel
But never seem to be

When I think of you....Part I

2006-04-24T12:48:00.000-04:00

When I think of you Dan, I think about my friend Ben who died way too young. I remember how when he died I questioned myself and my motives in life. I questioned whether or not I had been all I could be for Ben. He was younger then me. Was I as good of a friend to Ben as I could have been? Was I good enough? Was there something more I could have done for him? Is there something I should have taught him that would have kept him alive longer? I was like a big sister to him. I feel like a big sister to you, hell sometimes I feel like your mother. No matter where life takes us I will never forget that sad little kid I spent so many nights talking to online. I will never forget that in a guild full of people who kissed my ass constantly, you were never as scared as most of the adults there to confront me when you felt I was being a bitch. I remember looking at your gangly teenage pictures and hearing your insecurities and seeing past that to the grown man you would soon be. I remember you showing me one of your recent pictures and thinking, 'see I knew you would be a damn good looking man once you were grown.' And I recall being as proud of you and your accomplishments as I hoped your own parents were. I hope I was for you what I always feared I wasnt for Ben. Someone worthy of your respect. The song I hear that always reminds me of you is called Kryptonite. 'If I go crazy will you still call me superman?' Three Doors Down.

When I think of you Kelley I think about the sisters I have and wish that you were one of them by birth. Then I realize that you are much better then that, you are a sister to me by choice. I remember meeting you and crying like an idiot, something Ive never done when meeting someone, only losing them. I remember thinking that all those Oprah shows started to make sense to me. The crying women who jumped up and down and acted ridiculous just because they were greeting each other. I understood all in one moment how a kinship could mean so much. I hope I can get back down there to see you soon, my heart and soul misses you. The song that always reminds me of you is called 'Watch Me Shine'. Come on and watch me shine, like the world is mine. The world was ours that day, I'll never forget it.

When I think of you Jeff I think of a soul mate, a mirror of my own soul and spirit. I can almost bet that if I have a feeling that I think no one on earth would understand, that you would. You would not only understand the feeling, but you could take my hand and walk me through it. Almost every time I read your blog I see myself in there. It can be disturbing and heart-warming at the same time. No matter what it is, there is always comfort. I try to think of you not as someone whom I will have passed in the night, but as a couple of people who are walking the same path in life, and when you are walking on the same path in the same direction, it makes a reunion nearly impossible. Still the comfort is there, because I know when you stumble I may be walking just behind you and can help you up, and knowing that I may stumble, and your warm heart and strong hands will be just behind me picking me up as well. The song that reminds me so strongly of you means so much to my heart I will post the whole thing, and I hope it fills your soul as it has mine.

"So Far Away"

this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
'cause i
i must be sleeping

[chorus]
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before

somebody shake me 'cause i
i must be sleeping

[chorus]

i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me

[chorus]

It shouldn't bother me

2006-04-10T20:39:00.000-04:00

So as if this year hasn't been bad enough I just got news on the Demon. Apparently she is now married and gave birth to a little girl 2 weeks ago. I should be happy for her. It shouldn't bother me, not like it is. I know theres no future for us, I know I'm never likely to hear from her again, I don't want to date her anymore, yet for some reason it makes me sad.
Sometimes dreams die hard.

You know, I've been thinking. She left me 2 years ago. In that time she bought a house, got married, and now has a kid. What have I done in 2 years? Well, I'm unemployed, I'm broke, and I'll soon be homeless. She has done better without me in her life. A lot better. Maybe....just maybe, everyone would be better without me in thier lives.....

Is anybody out there?

2006-03-29T01:36:00.000-05:00

This town, is coming like a ghost town

All the clubs have been closed down

This place, is coming like a ghost town

Bands won't play no more

too much fighting on the dance floor

Do you remember the good old days

Before the ghost town?

We danced and sang,

And the music played inna de boomtown

This town, is coming like a ghost town

When Joy first suggested to me about joining this blog group on clusterfawk I thought it would be a great place for us all to write back and forth, a little comune of comunication. But as time passes it feels more like a ghost town. Bm and Bookcase have gotten too busy in life to post anymore, Joy is only on once in a rare while, Dan does occasionally when he has something on his mind, and I haven't gotten much posting done due to life's pace. It's not anyones fault, don't think I'm blaming anyone, life just happens and we get busy, I just miss the potential this spot had.

I've watched so any on the blog come and go, heck just look on my regular site chaoscenter.blogspot.com and see the side board where it says Dead but Dreaming. Those are all abandoned sites from people I once liked to read, and now another may be joining it since Kerry has anounced that she is pulling out of her blog too. It starts to get depressing after a while. I meet these wonderful folks on here and get to enjoy thier posts and comments, then they're gone. I have debated several times about closing down my blog, but I hate losing friends and thats what it would feel like. I may not have much to say but I enjoy reading others on the blog.

Oh well, guess I'm just having a night. Hope your all doing well if and when you get to read this. Peace.

Wond'ring Again

2006-01-28T23:45:00.000-05:00

We wandered through quiet lands, felt the first breath of snow.
Searched for the last pigeon, slate grey I’ve been told.
Stumbled on a daffodil which she crushed in the rush,
heard it sigh,
And left it to die.

At once felt remorse and were touched by the loss of our own,
Held it’s poor broken head in her hands,
Dropped soft tears in the snow,

And it’s only the taking that makes you what you are

Sigh

2006-01-22T03:35:00.000-05:00

I'm in over my head now. I want a relationship, but I also don't. I'd like to see this girl more, but I know she isn't interested in a relationship that much. I'm still kinda drunk, but enough to be coherent and know whats going on. I really hope things become easy to deal with, because drama fucking sucks. And I really hope my buddy Matt can back me up, because more than anything else, hes like the brother I wish I had. I'm so fucking confused.

Morals and My Conscience

2006-01-12T02:35:00.000-05:00

For the first time in my recollection, I've found a girl thats interested in me.

The problem is, the feeling is not mutual.

Now, I'm an angsty 18 year old male, who doesn't quite know what he wants. I'd like a meaningful relationship with a girl that I feel connected to, someone smart and attractive. The next moment, my hormones take over and say I want a pure hookup with the first nice tail that comes my way. That type of action would have to be all in the moment, I couldn't go through with it as a ' use em and lose em' type of guy.

The girl that is interested in me is named Jessica. I've met her through a mutual friend at his place, where I tend to spend an amount of my freetime in a place where I can get away from home, be around some fun, good friends, and have no pressures. Now Jessica comes over to his place a lot as well with her friends, so we get to talking... and she isn't very intriguing. She is very attractive to look at, but I don't think I'd be able to carry on an interesting conversation with her. I personally finding out things and interesting facts for the sake of knowledge; While on the other hand, I think she gets by with what she needs to know, not what can be known.

I've met her several times now, she has my number, and text messages me often. I don't reply often because I just don't have anything interesting to say. I've never had a girl interested in me before. Now, I'm not intimidated by her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings by making her feel dumb and talking down to her. Me and my buddies hold conversations on things we've heard about in recent events, or some stuff back in school and laughing. When we discuss things like this around Jessica and her friends, I've more often heard these two words than anything else "I'm confused" .

I Think I have the potential to like her, but from what I've heard from my other friends house-mates and good friends... whom she has dated two of them... they tell me she is the kind of girl that gets to a serious point, and then up and leaves the relationship. Now the part of me that is yelling 'gimme sex' is saying this is great, a no holds relationship that may not have ties after an amount of time.

The other part of me is yelling at the other half. Time for some background info... About 4 years back I met this girl Karen. I had known about her for 6 years, so lets ponder that one. She was very cute, very kind, and very sick. I met her in the 8th grade, when on the first day of school, I decided I was going to sit in the back of the bus, I didn't care. Well, soon came the fact that her stop came, and she sat next to me. "Hi, I'm Karen," she had said, and I had introduced myself as well. This girl was the one that was incredibly out of my league, that I had a crush on for two years prior. Very pretty blonde hair, brilliant blue eyes, and an unbelievable smile. We were bus buddies for the rest of the year, It was the two of us in those seats, around with our friends in the back and just being the middle school kids we were.

As the year progressed, my secret crush developed further, and I still believed myself not to be worthy of such an angel. We went to a school in the next town over, so the bus ride was often a half hour long or so, and being it was early morning, she had fallen asleep on my shoulder a couple times, and all I did was enjoy the attention of a sleeping girl resting against my arm. When that year was over, and it was time to say goodbye on the last day, I got a hug from her, I didn't expect it, and I recollect it as the first hug from a girl I had grown to care for.

I didn't see much of her in 9th grade, she got a ride from her older brother to school, and I was bus ridden. 10th grade came along, and to my surprise, we're in the same geometry class, and sitting next to each other again mind you. I remembe in class one time,she showed me this nasty 5 inch scar on her lower back where she had an operation. Operation? I wanted to ask, but didn't, and left it at that. She was absent a lot in those times. And I missed her when she was gone, she was the bright side of coming to school everyday... at least for that quarter. I heard from one of her friends after a while, and she said to me and another friend of hers that we couldn't tell anyone... but she had a tumor in her lower back and it kept coming back through some of her surgeries. A cancerous tumor.

Flash ahead to my senior year, she was on my mind a lot, even though I had one other particular girl in mind a lot, and joy knows this and who, so she can vouch, but I hardly talked of Karen to her. At a particularily cold football game one friday night, I saw her there. She had come with a friend and she was so... small. She had a pink bandana over her head, where her beautiful blonde hair had been, and she looked so pale. I gave her a hug and had my mind on her most of the night. She had to leave early because she wasn't feeling well. I regret I hadn't said anything meaningful to her. And thats the last I've seen from her. I have her phone number, I got it quite some time ago, but I'm frightened. It's safe to say that I love this girl. I never was more than a friend, but I valued being that friend more than anything else. I've only truly loved that one girl... and I know this because I still think about her.

Jessica is nothing like that girl. She seems ditsy, but she tries. It has the possibility of an easy hookup, but I'd feel terrible about that. And she isn't exactly long term material if I may put it so bluntly. I'm at loss as to what to do. She knows I don't have a girlfriend, and she is interested, but I'm not particularily. The right thing to do is tell her so, instead of leading her on. But that would most likely end hardly.

Sometimes I wish I had the right answers.

Boring stories of......

2006-01-11T18:25:00.000-05:00

"Now I think I’m going down to the well tonight
And I’m going to drink till I get my fill
And I hope when I get old I don’t sit around thinking about it
But I probably will
Yeah, just sitting back trying to recapture
A little of the glory of,
Well time slips away
And leaves you with nothing mister but
Boring stories of
Glory days"

Bruce Springsteen

I was going to post another of my memories series tonight. Figured it would be a quick post, just a little something to fill in since I'm still crazy busy but don't want to abandon this blog. Just as I'm half way through Bruce comes on the radio and listening to the lyrics made me feel old. Sometimes I fear that all my old stories are all I've got left in this life. Things I used to do, people I used to know, places I used to go. That my best is all behind me. So tonight I'm going to get the heck up, shrug off this tiredness, and go see whats going on out there in the world and see if I can find some newer stories to tell. I'll be back here soon, on a more regular basis. I will still post my old memories at some point. But tonight I need to make some new ones. Hope everyones doing great. I miss you all. Peace.

Happy Holidays

2005-12-17T18:28:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to wish both Dan and Bookend very Happy Holidays.
I was able to send e-mail cards to Joy and Irie, and will be giving BM his in person, yet I have no address for either Dan or Bookend so I figured this would be the best place. I don't know which holiday, if any, either fo you celibrate, but no matteer what I do wish you a lovely time of the year. Hope your btoh doing great and that if you do celebrate you get some great gifts this year. Smile and Peace.

Joy

2005-12-09T09:58:00.000-05:00

Well Joy, I finished reading and I'll admit you managed several times to bring this old fat kid to tears. It was a very moving and powerful read. I have no doubt that it will sell well, and would be interested in knowing how and where to buy it. I can truly feel your loss as well as see the smiles the old memories bring. I've been through the pain and recognize many of the feelings you mention. Beautiful. I'm glad you made it through the pain, I know many who never did. Thank you for sharing this with me. Thank you for sharing you with me.

Dan is tired

2005-11-15T02:28:00.000-05:00

Dan is tired, Dan is tired.

Dan has a job that enforces overtime. Dan can't go home until everything is done. Dan often works 12 hour shifts, while Dan is scheduled for 8. Dan doesn't like his job very much, but Dan also enjoys the pay very much. Dan mostly wishes that after his 8 hour shift that he could go home. Rather, Dan is stuck at work waiting for other people to finish, and often has to help them finish their particular job. Dan also has to wait for pieces to come down from the loading docks and various aisles in the warehouse. Dan is tired. He often puts in 60 hour work weeks.

Dan, is tired.

peeks head in window

2005-11-07T20:01:00.000-05:00

'ello!!!

plz forgive me for my absence from the table
life is crazy and Im not always able!
I come in PEACE and carry my pipe
I've gifts to share that are very ripe!
So come and sit by my roaring fire
smoke and fill to your hearts desire!

*waves*

I'm so excited!

2005-10-16T21:09:00.000-04:00

Dear Author:

Welcome on board! I am excited that your book will soon be among our new releases.

They called me Author! Thats way better then bitch and demongirl that I am used to being labeled!

Random 10 the random edition

2005-09-28T20:15:00.000-04:00

Yeah I stopped doing this regularly, and it's not even Friday, but what the heck I'm in the mood for random music so lets see what comes up:

1. Don't Lie- Black Eyed Peas
2. Just the Girl- Click Five
3. Something Like A Broken Heart- Hanna&Mccuen
4. Count On Me- Default
5. Goodbye to You- Scandle
6. Everybody Else Has Had More Sex Than Me- TISM
7. The Sunshine Of My Life- Stevie Wonder
8. Skateaway- Dire Straights
9. Rats- Pearl Jam
10. Omish paradise- Wierd Al

and my 2 extras:
1. Sgt. Peppers Lonley Hearts Club Band- Beatles
2. Joe's garage- Frank Zappa

Frustration and stupidity

2005-09-22T15:38:00.000-04:00

Why can't I let people go? I've seen others do it but once I care about someone I can't seem to let them go thier own way or give up on the idea that they'll come back. I still have hopes that someday Heaven will change her mind about our friendship, and I still ask after the Demon and hope to hear from her again. What the f*ck is wrong with me? I hate wondering about people that have shown no interest in knowing me anymore. I hate still having them in my heart even after they've broken it. I'm so screwed up.

Question away from the public

2005-08-29T20:33:00.000-04:00

Ok, I have a question but can't post it on my site due to the fact that certain people read that blog and I don't want them seeing this. So here goes.... If your in bed with someone (significant other type of someone), but you end up having a sexual dream about someone else, does that make you a scumbag? I don't think it does because I can't control my dreams, but I sure feel like one. Nothing like having crazy monkey sex in a dream with an ex- only to wake up to your current girlfriend lying next to you. So whats the popular opinion?

Night

2005-08-25T03:38:00.000-04:00

I just love nights like this. Went for a walk out here at 3Am and the clouds were covering the moon so everything was pitch black. You almost get the feeling that there's no one else alive in the world but you. Walking by dark houses that you can picture empty. No sounds but the wind. Then comes some noises, but you can't place them. It's like something out there is staying just out of your line of sight. Maybe following you. The heart picks up the beat a little. You can hear the echoes of your footsteps. In the distance a dog howls sadly (or maybe I should use mournfully here, I always liked that word and no one uses it anymore). There's a car parked awkwardly at the end of our street, the door hanging open just slightly. Makes your mind wonder why, what happened. The wind rustles the trees.

The another car drives by, lights on and blasting Christina Agulara music. The whole effect is ruined and it's time to go home and savory the memeory. Damn late night drunks.

Joy

2005-08-18T22:54:00.000-04:00

Well, she's here, then she's gone, then she comes back, then she's gone again, then shes back, then gone again. I know she's got internet probs but I miss her. She was the first person I didn't already know to comment on my blog and it seems so wrong without her on-line. We had such a great connection, seemed like we were lving the same life in differant places sometimes. Hope you get back soon sweetie.
In the meantime if you get back check this link, think you'll find it funny (and anyone else on this blog too, we all have that type of sense of humor):

http://chaoscenter.blogspot.com/2005/08/coming-soon-to-bookstore-near-you.html#comments

Fridays musical interlude

2005-07-29T22:17:00.000-04:00

Sorry I've been spotty with this, work has been hectic.

1. What About Me- Moving Pictures
2. Goodbye To Romance- Ozzy Osbourne
3. One Step Closer- Linkin Park
4. Drinking My Baby Goodbye- Charlie Daniels Band
5. Amadeus- Falco
6. Tears Of A Clown- Smokey Robinson
7. Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone- Cinderella
8. Alone Again (Naturally)- Gilbert O'Sullivan
9. Still Crazy after All These Years- Simon&Garfunkle
10. Suicide Is Painless- Johnny Madrel

and my extra duo
1. 5th symphony- Beethoven
2. No One Left To Run With Anymore- Allman Brothers Band

Good times, for the most part

2005-07-25T22:48:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, from the 22nd through the 25th of July, i threw a big trip to my cabin with most of my friends, and some people i had newly met.
My cabin is located in Ely, Minnesota, and currently my most favorite place to be. We went there under the guise to play airsoft, which in essence is like low powered BB guns. A cheap form of paintball if you will. The ride there is long and boring, a 250 mile trip, usually takes about 4.5 to 5 hours with a stop. So, we get there about mid-day friday, and basically chill out at the cabin for a bit. Heres a pic of my buddy Matt on the way there http://img346.imageshack.us/my.php?image=matt4vi.jpg

Carrying on. Later friday rolls around, and I decided I wanted to get fucked up. Love where this story is going eh? Alright, so we aquired a lot of alcoholic beverages from town, went back, and started us a bonfire. The sad thing is, out of the 11 people that came with me, only 2 of us were outside at that fire, and 2 more were hopping back and forth.
http://img337.imageshack.us/my.php?image=friday7ot.jpg
In that one you can see the locals there. Joe is the one in red, Dusty has his finger in there, Matt is the other dude on the bench, and Paul is petting the dog.

http://img337.imageshack.us/my.php?image=dusty4av.jpg - Dusty with the double shocker, and vodka at his feet

http://img337.imageshack.us/my.php?image=joe7wk.jpg - Joe taking a pull at that Vodka

http://img337.imageshack.us/my.php?image=paul4ec.jpg - And Paul just sloshed as hell. He and Matt decided that they were going to save the world through electrical engineering. Somehow they involved me in their plan, so i need to become Pope in a hurry aparently.

A lot of that night went by fast. A lot of my friends didn't even want to be outside with us while we were having drinks. I don't understand why. None of us were mean drunks, and there was room for them all. My plan of thought is that they don't like to be around alcohol, and strange new people... but then, what are parties for?

Saturday Rolls around, and I feel like a million bucks... thats been put in a vice and shredded ten fold. No biggy. The day carries on and my head gets better, and we go all out and play some airsoft. Capture the flag is where its at by the way. SO we do that for a good amount of time and i had a blast. Hell, i even bloodied myself and didn't care. Check out this gash on my nose http://img328.imageshack.us/my.php?image=gnarlygash5rn.jpg . That happened when i was retrieving our flag back from a dude that stole it... In all fairness, i totally kicked his ass at getting that flag back. I hadn't realized I'd cut my nose open on my goggles till i got back to our flag and my buddy Luke informs me that i'm bleeding. No big deal, i got our flag back, I feel like a damned hero. That picture is current, i wish i had one where it was still all bloody and open... I felt like a badass.

Saturday night rolls around, and once again, party opportunity. 4 of us go with Dusty, and i get sloshed again. We all start to realize that this guy Jared that came with us is hitting on Laura hardcore (this is Laura http://img341.imageshack.us/my.php?image=laura4ya.jpg ) Saying things like "hey pretty lady" and "hey baby" not to mention the not so subtle staring. Being as I'm drunk and chilling at a party, I give Laura two things to hold on to. One, my cellphone; I do dumb shit with it when drunk. And two, my brass knuckles; something a lady shouldn't go without. So, here we are, Me and Matt and Mike all saying how we'll beat his ass if he does one dumb thing. Any dumb thing, and i would have gone ape shit on him. She calls her boyfriend on my phone and walked off. When she came back I offered her my bed in this room me and Matt had to ourselves, I could sleep on the floor. But she said it was ok, the loft would do fine.

We left that party fairly early, and headed back to the cabin to find that everyone was still awake, but chilling inside again, which i thought odd, but what did i know, i was drunk. So we get back and i just lay down on my bed, they're carrying on a conversation in which i try to edge my way in, to participate, but it appears as if they can't hear drunk people. I wasn't drunk enough to not remember. So, I decided whatever, and rolled over about to sleep, when Laura comes in, leans over and whispers "thanks" all the while she has this vivid impression of my knuckles in her front pocket. I mumble something like no problem, and i end up getting a hug. I missed hugs. Not five minutes later and i'm out.

Sunday morning, around 9:30 AM. People start waking up, and talking loudly, loudly enough for the little men in my head to get back to mining my brain for precious ore. After about 10 minutes of that i couldn't take it and literally yelled to the rest of the cabin "Shut the hell up!" It got quiet again, and it appears the little men went back to sleep. Later that day, hang over well over with, we went out to this place called Miner's lake. It's an old quarry thats been filled in with this nice, cold, deep water. Heres one Laura had requester of her jumping in from the 14 foot drop http://img328.imageshack.us/my.php?image=jump7kt.jpg . I did that one several times, and then me and Matt proceeded to climb up to the 40 foot one. Thats one hell of a jump, and i tucked on the way in and landed ass first. Let me tell you that isn't pleasant.

Sunday night comes, and once again, party time. Only no one wants to come with me this time. No one. I was disappointed, mainly because no one even tried to convince me to stay back. I probably wouldn't have, but whatever. So, Joe throws this kegger on an island, and we go. Half way through we get this idea to go and get Joe's brother ( did i mention Joe is my cousin, and i get along with him better than my own brother?) Brian, who is currently an hour away... lets get him. We pull up, and Bri is going crazy, he didn't think we'd get him, and I haven't seen him in well over a year and a half. To catch up, we go back to the island and have a grand old time. I didn't bring my camera with for that, i'm sorry to say.

Monday, we come back... end of the adventure. Time for the pondering. I could rant on and on about the antics between me and Laura, I believe she is something similar to Az's "demon." Someday, it'll come to me and i'll realize i have a good friendship with her, and should quit wanting more.

On the way to get Bri, me and Joe had this big talk about how the night before (saturday) i really wished i had someone to protect. Frankly i don't care what happens to myself, i'd much rather make someone else feel safe. I would have taken a bullet for her that night, it might have been the combination of booze and courage, but those together are an unstopable pair. If that prick were to lay a hand on her, I would have gone nuts. I didn't want anything in return, i just wanted her to feel safe.

Now i'm dwelling, and she isn't mine, and it is indeed a good time to finish this post. Thanks for reading my rant.

Blogger Love

2005-07-13T11:26:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to post, since it's been a while since I've done the Round Table thing...

I am just realizing how awesome it is to be connected to so many people, just by sharing one thing...a BLOG...that's right...

We all have things to learn, things to teach, and feelings/experiences/wisdom/love to share...so nice to find people who care...

Love to all y'all

Thanks for being around...and for Joy...I appreciate it

Opinions and Assholes

2005-07-12T12:24:00.000-04:00

I am just curious as to the opinions of the readers here. I have a friend whom Ive known for 17 years or so. And yes, for the last 13 years or so we have had sex occasionally. The thing is about 12 years ago he made some bs comment to me while we were in bed. It went like this.

Him: God I love you.
Me: wtf, you dont have to bs me, Im already here.
Him: *giggled* then said, ok, well then I missed you a lot.
Me: Thats fair enough.

So Ive always made it clear to him that he didnt have to bullshit me about anything. Now considering a couple things first.

1. He has a few girlfriends.
2. He knows that he doesnt have to bs or be fake with me to enjoy my company.

Yet he keeps making odd comments. The most recent being something about "love making love to you". Pardon my crude french but I thought we were just... er... um.. fucking.

I asked a friend who doesnt really know him what he thought. He said, "maybe he just says those things to keep you from seeing other guys." And that makes good sense. But I dont want to discredit him unfairly.

So to the men who read here. Why would a guy say stuff like that, act jealous of other guys I talk to. And all but threaten to beat them down for hanging out with me, if he doesnt have some kind of feelings about me and knows he doesnt have to prove shit to me to have me around?

To the women who read here. Isnt this why we roll our eyes whenever we hear the famous old phrases about how men say what they think and dont have any hidden agendas?

Happy 40th Slurpee!!!

2005-07-11T16:39:00.000-04:00

http://www.7-eleven.com/newsroom/articles.asp?p=2346

isn't it ironic that today's date is 7-11!!!!????

My Precioussssss

2005-07-09T04:46:00.000-04:00

Damn Ive missed you all. Ive promised myself today to keep posting, even if I have to go to a public place to do so, until I get my connection back.

Jesus I miss you all.

I swear, even though my personal life has taken a very interesting turn that keeps me immersed in the lifes of several close local friends, I still find my mind wandering back to the blogger world. Then when I finally got to this link in my "check all my bloggers" frenzy, I seen where Az was keeping the spirit alive.

You're an angel.

Miss you Dan, Kelley, Bookend, Az, BM!!!

Ill be around this week a bit to check on everyone !!

Friday's musical interlude

2005-07-08T23:19:00.000-04:00

I almost didn't post this, but I figure I need to try and keep this place warm till Joy returns to her comp. So here we go again:

1. Helena- My Chemical Romance
2. Devil Went Down To Georgia- Charlie Daniels Band
3. You Got Lucky- Tom Petty
4. Lady- Lenny Kravitz
5. No Sleep Till Brooklyn- Beastie Boys
6. Cisco Kid- War
7. Love Will Keep Us Together- Captain And Tenille
8. Thing That Should Not Be- Metallica
9. It Would Be You- Gary Allen
10. Nothing Better- Postal Service

and my double dose of extras:
1. Hot Dog Song- Arrogant Worms
2. Now That We Found Love- Heavy D

Fridays musical choices

2005-07-01T20:21:00.000-04:00

Why does it feel like I'm the only one still using this blog? Dan posted a bit ago but other than him I can hear wind blowing through the words....

1. Jaded- Aerosmith
2. Small Victory- Faith No More
3. My Funeral- Crash Test Dummies
4. How Do You Talk To An Angel- Jamie Walters
5. Someday I Suppose- Mighty Mighty Bosstones
6. Honkey Tonk Songs- Dolly Parton
7. Sorry Seems The Hardest Word- Elton John
8. In The Summertime- Mungo Jerry
9. Truckin- Greatful Dead
10. Sweet Dreams- Maralyn Manson

and as extras
1. Poison- Alice Cooper
2. Little Ain't Enough- David Lee Roth

Friday again, guess what that means?

2005-06-24T19:53:00.000-04:00

1. Time- Pink Floyd
2. Don't Break My Heart Again- Pat Green
3. Give Me Back My Bullets- Leonard Skynard
4. Radar Love- Golden Earrings
5. Aqualung- Jethro Tull
6. Blackened- Metallica
7. Obla Dee Obla Da- Beatles
8. It's Not Unusual- Tom Jones
9. Crazy Train- Ozzy Osbourne
10. Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blus Again- Bob Dylan

and my add-ons
1. London Calling- The Clash
2. Two Princes- Spin Doctors

Friday's Random 10 here at the Round Table

2005-06-24T14:52:00.000-04:00

1.Digital Tension Dementia ~ Front Line Assembly
2.In the Station House ~ Chevy Heston
3.Hot Pants, Pt. 1 ~ James Brown
4.The Inch Worm ~ John Coltrane
5.If You Were a Beer ~ Blanks 77
6.Walk on By ~ Cake
7.A Cry For Help in a World Gone Mad ~ Agent Orange
8.Killing in the Name ~ Rage Against The Machine
9.Five ~ Total Shutdown
10.The Denial Twist ~ The White Stripes
11.Nothing Much Happens ~ Ben Lee
12.House of Hurt ~ DJ Tron
13Crow ~ Shellac

Friday's Random 10 here at the Round Table

2005-06-17T00:01:00.000-04:00

To hell with the intro, let's get right to the songs:

1. Goodbye To Romance- Ozzy Osbourne
2. Poison- Alice Cooper
3. I'm In Love With A McDonalds Girl- Bare Naked Ladies
4. Salt In My Tears- Dolly Parton
5. Song For A Winter's Night- Sarah McLachlan & Jewel
6. Sweet Leaf- Black Sabbath
7. Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad- Meatloaf
8. Chasing Rainbows- No Use For A Name
9. Wildthing- Sam Kinison
10. God Bless America- Frank Zappa And The Mothers Of Invention

and the follow up double:

1. One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Beer- George Thurogood And The Destroyers
2. Poisoning Pidgeons In The Park- Tom Lehrer

Same Shit, Different Day

2005-06-13T01:57:00.000-04:00

So, my friend Laura is single once more, and laying it on strong. I've classified her as the type of person that loves attention. She is incredibly needy. Needy in what way you might ask? The kind of needy that has to be the center of someones attention. Maybe its the fact that she is the youngest of four children, or a multitude of other things. Try as I may, I can't help but be attracted to her, physically, and personality.
Last summer was the same deal.
And believe it or not, I think I might be falling for her charm once more. Ohh no no no, not that I'd get anywhere, not a kiss, nothing. It's that I'm the guy on the side, the one that she can safely flirt with and leave.... juuuuuuusssst.... hanging on the edge. The kind of person that you (and by you I mean me) tell yourself you won't pick up the phone for, but do anyway. I feel jealous when she talks of being out with other guys. She spoke of some sort of hickey tonight, and mentioned some sort of scrape on her knee too. I was angry in a quiet way, a way that doesn't show.
So, I ask myself why do I feel connected to this girl? Why the fuck do I keep telling myself I maybe, just maybe, might have a chance when hell freezes over? I wish I knew.

I was speaking with my good friend Jake, and we decided that we both like, and hate women. In some strange event we were able to express how we hated how they act, and how shit changes on a whim, while during the same moment, we can't help but enjoy being around them. Women are something we most definately are confused about.

Last summer was the same shit. I had this thought in my head that I, of all people, have a chance. And now, I'm lapsing back into the same pattern. I told myself that I wouldn't do it, that I was stronger... and what was I doing tonight with said girl? Flirting shamelessly. I have much self loathing when it comes to my weakness for a pretty face.

Fridays random 10

2005-06-10T12:01:00.000-04:00

Well, I decided to move my Random 10 here. I figured this was a cool idea when it started but is starting to seem like a ghost blog now, and dammit thats not right. So to try and get this blog rolling again I'll post here at least every Friday, and more if I come up with stuff. Here goes with the Friday 10 (Idea is put your mp player to random and list the first 10 songs it plays):

1. Toxic Waltz- Exodus
2. She's Got A Way- Billy Joel
3. Rainbow Connection- Kermit&Friends
4. Take On Me- Ah-Ha
5. Lonely And Gone- Montgomery Gentry
6. Octopus's Garden- Beatles
7. Kodachrome- Simon & Garfunkle
8. Stupid Girl- Cold
9. Clint Eastwood- Gorillaz
10. If This Is It- Huey Lewis &The News

and as I always do my extra 2:

1. Breakdown -Gun's & Roses
2. You've Got A Friend- James Taylor

Worried

2005-05-14T22:04:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm getting worried about Joy. Nothing for almost a month now. She was one of the highlights of this blogging for me, and now she seems to be gone without even a goodbye. If anyone knows how to contact her please let me know if she's ok?

Hello?

2005-04-30T22:03:00.000-04:00

Ok, first Joy goes on vacation, then she comes back but doesn't post for a bit. Then she posts. Now she's gone missing again.

I MISS MY JOY!!!

Hope to hear from you soon sweetie.

Words of Wisdom from a Dumb WB Television Series

2005-04-20T09:42:00.000-04:00

"You keep living life as if it is something that is happening TO you....
but it is the choices we make that fill in the many details of our plan..."

The everything happens for a reason theory...
Is it or is it not so? An argument my family discusses often...

My father hates the idea that there is a GREAT PLAN for everyone...
I used to argue this case with him but now I'm beginning to understand where he is coming from....

If there is a great plan then we are no longer held accountable for our actions and the consequences that follow...When I heard the above line on Everwood...(might I mention, I was channel surfing and only watched this 45 second segment of the show) I understood even more clearly what my father has been arguing all along...

Props to the WB Everwood Writers....and Good ol Dad

'Almost' by "Bowling For Soup"

2005-04-15T18:54:00.000-04:00

I almost got drunk at school at 14
Where I almost made out with the homecoming queen
Who almost went on to be miss texas
But lost to a slut with much bigger breastes
I almost dropped out to move to LA
Where I was almost famous for almost a day

And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost loved you
I almost wished u would've loved me too

I almost held up a grocery store
Where I almost did 5 years and then 7 more
Cuz I almost got popped for a fight with a thug
Cuz he almost made off with a bunch of the drugs
That I almost got hooked on cuz you ran away
And I wish I woulda had the nerve to ask you to stay

And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost had you
And I didn't even know it
You kept me guessing and now
I'm destined to spend my time missing you
I almost wish you would've loved me too

Here I go thinking about all the things I could've done
I'm gonna need a forklift cuz all the baggage weighs a ton
I know we had our problems
I can't remember one
I almost forgot to say something else
And if I cant fit it in I'll keep it all to myself
I almost wrote a song about you today
But I tore it all up and then I threw it away

And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost had you
And I didn't even know it
You kept me guessing and now
I'm destined to spend my time missing you

And I almost had you
I almost wish you would've loved me too

Wasted Time

2005-04-06T22:23:00.000-04:00

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It was from you
All the times
That I've cried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone

So tired of it...

KNOCK KNOCK

2005-04-03T00:32:00.000-05:00

knock knock...
" Who is it.."
" Dave..."
" Dave's not here..."
IT's ME...I have crept back into a box..
I thought I was being chased!
by a fox...
with sox........
I was wrong.

I can't spell, and it don't matter!

2005-04-02T22:38:00.000-05:00

I got this in an E-mail:
Typoglycemia
> Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it .....
>
> I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia :)-
>
> Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

Dreams again

2005-03-27T20:05:00.000-05:00

Dreamt about a friend of mine last night. She's not someone I should be having these kind of dreams about. Kind of felt wierd when I woke up and realized I had dreamed about her. My mind sucks sometimes. I finally have a dream thats not a nightmare and it's about someone I shouldn't be dreaming about. It's not that she ugly, she's actually one of the sexiest girls I know. I've just never thought about her like this before, and don't want to start now. Ug... Damn mind.

GOD I MISSED YOU ALL

2005-03-23T00:20:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the IM today BM!! Sorry I was afk.. Missed you too!!

I really missed Bookends and Az's wisdom for the last week too!

I decided what I need when it comes to men too. I need someone just like Az!~

So who knows where to find them?

/wave Dan if you are round here still. Missed you too, need to chat with you on IM!!

Anyone who has IM's feel free to add me anytime

Yahoo- soulhavoc1973
Aim - soulhavoc73
Msn - dragoncave@msn.com
ICQ - 62512566

Weeee

Glad to be home !

BM!!!! Poke returns!

2005-03-18T07:45:00.000-05:00

Hey Bm,
AN updated version of an old classic.

First there was Poke (You got your Coke in my Pepsi! Hey you got your Pepsi in my Coke!)

Now there's Chanilla Poke! (Hey you got your Cherry Coke in my Vannilla Pepsi! No you got your Vannilla Pepsi in my Cherry Coke!)

Where it may go...

2005-03-16T19:34:00.000-05:00

"Not all who wander are lost"

It's a quote from J.R.R. Tolkien. I've spent my whole life in C.T. I've never felt the urge to move elsewhere. This is where my family, friends, and past are bound. Even those who go elsewhere come back sometimes to this state. Here I've stayed as the ages pass and the years fly by. Now as I head into another turn of this world for myself I wonder if maybe I've been wrong to stay so complacent here. For there are times I feel so lost, and I fear that I shall never find myself in this place, so wieghted by memories. I have watched others place thier feet upon the path beyond the fake boundries of states and travel to places I've only read about. There is more to this life than what I've seen. But the question remains is differant necissarily better? I've always judged myself by the people I love, if I were to leave them behind who would I find myself to be? If in leaving I was to strip away everything I've come to think of myself, what would be left? Whatif I found what i've always feared to be true, that the man I am isn't someone I like? Do I use the past as a shield, my heart as a wall between self and perception? Or perhaps I am but looking for grass that will be no greener as the road leads on? Maybe this is where my heart is for a reason? I could risk all, but what if the reward isn't worth the risk? Could it be that it is not fear but choice that keeps me held to this place? That somewhere in me I know that no matter where I may travel those I love would still be a siren call leading me home?
My mind wanders. But for now my body remains.

Sorry for my Absence

2005-03-09T18:46:00.000-05:00

Well, It's been quite a while...almost a week I guess...life has been really hectic now...with promotion advancement at work...so responsibilities have changed...I've been in training type meetings all this week...and working on new projects...I guess I got caught up in it..so I just wanted to say I'm back...and I'm very sorry for my absence....

and Az, it was a pleasure meeting you...and I might have an out of retail gig for you if you are interested...we'll have to talk...

Zombies eating people!

2005-03-08T17:09:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to say that if anyone HASN'T seen Shaun of the Dead they need to go rent it. It's a damn funny movie (English humor). Also if you haven't then also go watch both the origional Dead trilogy (Night, Dawn, and Day) as well as the remake of Dawn of the Dead from a few years ago. Well worth the money to rent. In the remake, the first zombie you see is worth the price of the movie.

Angst of a teenage mind

2005-03-05T00:43:00.000-05:00

I imagine i'm the youngest here posting, being only at the age of 17. Young by all means, but not naive... in some ways.

Tonight, i went around with my buddy Matt and company. Buddy of at least 13 of those 17 years. Good guy, almost like a third brother to me. Last night as well we went out to the local mall, and his girlfriend was trying to hook me up with her mormon friend. Now i want nothing to do with a mormon, but this girl was laying it on hard. I feigned ignorance and ignored her. The entire four hour period we were wandering around.

Back to tonight. Tonight wasn't bad, 4 guys and one girl going out to play some pool, acting like the kids we are. Driving by some flirty kids on the road and yelling at them, "you kids are fagits." Pronounced fay-jits. Driving up and down a road mutliple times to see how fast we could get a Ford Explorer going... 107 by the way.

Now, these 4 guys including myself and Matt, also included Mikey and Han. I drive those guys to school everyday, and they're a damned riot. I'd like to spend more time with these skater kids, than the bitchy guys i hang around now. Tensions are high in that bitchy group, and most everyday i consider just getting up and going to the section where those 3 others are. Complicated, anxiety bullshit, but bullshit i don't want to deal with anymore, not after 4 years of it.

This one girlwith, is a good friend, Laura. let me clue all of the rest of you in, that we used to be real flirty without actually doing anything or (at least in my case) admitting to anything. She found out somehow that i was into her, and shit got real akward for a long time. All it took to get it back to normal was the funeral of a kid a year younger than me that i've known just as long as matt, in some freak accident. I believe i made a mistake in deleting my old blog :
I'll make this several hour ordeal shorter, details aren't a necessity. Matt and Laura were flirting the entire time we played pool, tis ok. We then go speeding up and down a road many times, then decided to head back for gas and pick-me-ups as it is around 11. They see a couple girls they know, and they jump out to talk to 'em... they come back inside his Explorer and say "Dan we told that girl you want to talk to her." Fuckers set me up again. I want nothing to do with that, and tell him to keep going. We left. Matt drops off the other guys, and then me and laura at my house. They share a hug for the night. No big deal right? Of course no big deal. We get in my car and i drive her home. She wants to hang out more often, but its like some damn brother / sister thing now.

Heh, no hug for myself, just a wave. I pull out of her driveway and take it slow back to my house. The Who was playing on the local classic rock station, and i cranked it. The song was Won't Get Fooled Again. Man i wish i could live by that song. So... i got back home and opened the door inside, took off my shoes, and theres my little brother at the top of the stairs. "Hey pal, how're you doing?" He replied with "Not bad." "Thats good," I said, "get some sleep pal." Then i retreated down here for the night, the basement. Where i then sat down and realized something.

I, am a dumbass. I pass up shit and don't think twice about it till later. I hang on to old thoughts and hope that maybe someday, i'll act upon them. Who the hell am i kidding, except only myself. Thanks for reading, no feedback necessary, I merely felt like sitting down and writing before i sleep for a brief period, and then get up for work.

Almost good dreams

2005-03-04T20:47:00.000-05:00

Had 2 dreams the other night. The first one I woke up from was being at a concert of the Bare Naked Ladies. Everyone sang along and it was a lot of fun and a good dream. When I woke (At about 3:30am) I thought how nice it was to have a had a good dream for a change. I went back to sleep and dreamt that I was being eaten alive by thousands of ants. I could feel them crawling all over me and biting me everywhere. I should have just stayed up after the first one. Then after I made myself go back to sleep after that I dreamt about the Demon. AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!! Sometimes I want to just shoot myself, at least I'd finally get her out of my head. They say death is the long sleep, if so how much do you want to bet I'll be back as a zombie inside of a week? "uuhhhhh.... Brains! I couldn't sleep! uuhhhhh...."

Wanted to BUY - Words of Wisdom

2005-03-02T23:22:00.000-05:00

Anyone here who could offer some words of wisdom right now could save me a ruined vacation and I would appreciate it.

My ex sent me an email a few days ago, it was a suicide letter that blamed me for all his problems in life. Ok, I know I am not to blame. But 3 days later he shows up and apparently even failed at suicide, as much as he did marriage. He is desperately trying to ruin my vacation among other things and I am desperately trying to hold onto the fact that I wont let him. It IS getting hard to do when he is attempting suicide. He knows how I feel about being responsible for the lives and deaths of others. Hes hard using it against me. I want to ignore, but its a life in my hands. How do I let it go without feeling guilty if he hurts himself?

And thanks Az for your lyrical post. Sometimes I look in here and Im on the verge of tears and pain and I see your post, and I get to take that big sigh of relief thing. I dont know why you give me that, you just do.
With your calming affect on me, Bookends gentle spirit to soothe me and BM's spazmatic nature you really are all that I need to lean on. I hope you all know you can lean on me the same.

And I hope Dan reads this and realizes that I still lean on him too, just not as much anymore since he started playing Wow. Damn, I need a new game. But for now...

Im not sure how much of my blog Bookend and BM read, but I know Az read a lot about the deaths of my best friends. So if possible, please tell me how to ignore and push forward with someones life in my hands once again, a life I dont want, but I dont want to be the cause of it ending either.

Snow Patrol "Run"

2005-03-02T22:14:00.000-05:00

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

The Round Table

Frustration

Echoes

Missing

Reading

Days go by...

Love for Mary - A blogspot Addition

Stag

Avalanche

I Need A Friend

I Am Rather Drunk

No more excuses people!

less than a Year

A side blog to go

A year in the Life of a Blogg

It's the holiday season....

Breastestess

This town...is coming like a ghost town....

descending

Peek-A-Boo

Bare Naked Ladies 'War on Drugs'

Visitation rights

New music

Omg they're Canadian!???!

101 Post and Kindred Spirits

Peeking in

Darn

God having a cold sucks

Wagons East

Tha Man

100 best Movie Quotes? I beg to differ....

A favorite poem

Just a quote I like

Wow

Joys Friday List

Reach out and Touch Me

Tuesday Random 10

News of the Weird

Ray Stevens 'Jack Daniels, You Lied To Me'

Why I hate people

Kenny Chesney writes a song to my Demon

A few sips of the old rotgut

Quotes from a funny man

Back crap

By Dawns Early Light

Memories that don't let go

OWWWWW

Where do we go from here?

Funny comment

Bare Naked Ladies "War on Drugs"

When I think of you....Part I

It shouldn't bother me

Is anybody out there?

Wond'ring Again

*Sigh*

Morals and My Conscience

Boring stories of......

Happy Holidays

Joy

Dan is tired

**peeks head in window**

I'm so excited!

Random 10 the random edition

Frustration and stupidity

Question away from the public

Night

Joy

Fridays musical interlude

Good times, for the most part

Blogger Love

Opinions and Assholes

Happy 40th Slurpee!!!

My Precioussssss

Friday's musical interlude

Fridays musical choices

Friday again, guess what that means?

Friday's Random 10 here at the Round Table

Friday's Random 10 here at the Round Table

Same Shit, Different Day

Fridays random 10

Sigh

peeks head in window