It's been a long time for myself, and most of you have no clue who I am. My name is Dan, I'm twenty years old, and feeling very restless at the moment. I want to get out of town and get away to my folks cabin just outside of Ely, MN. No electricity, no running water. I want to sit outside in the cold, around a fire and just look up at the stars. No city lights to interfere, nothing but myself, and the crackling of the fire. I want to sit on an old wooden bench that has been there since I can remember, with a pile of wood next to me. My back would be cold, but I wouldn't care. I'd just stare in to the fire and get lost in thought, or perhaps the lack of. I want to get out of town, but I have other responsibilities to tend to. Sometimes I wish I didn't, just so I could get away.
I'm writing now because I have no other place to vent. I could try and talk to my friends around me, but they aren't the type that wants to hear it. I could try talking to my folks, but each of them would react differently. My dad wouldn't know how to respond, and would lose interest fast, or all in all wouldn't want to hear it either. My mom would attempt to listen, but do so in a very motherly, coddling way. I don't want that, I want to talk to someone like a compassionate, genuinely caring friend, not someone who will mewl and feel the need to hug me to "make it all better."
Someone died Saturday, January fifth, two-thousand-eight. Someone I cared about greatly, but hardly knew. I went to school with her, sat next to her on the bus all of eighth grade, and all of geometry tenth grade. I never spoke to her between that year and up till last year when I was invited of all things to eat with a buddy at a Perkins restaurant. That's four years that I regret, plus the one just recently. As I sit here, crying, with all sincerity and honesty I can muster, wish I could turn back the clock.
As I sat across the table from her that night at Perkins with our other three friends and acquaintances we sat talking to each other, carrying on our own conversation over everyone else.
I'll continue on later , I haven't been sleeping lately, and finding out this news just this past Sunday, will more than likely not help me benefit with insomnia. My eyes feel like they want to escape my skull, and as Jack said best in Fight Club: "With insomnia nothing is real, everything is far away ... with insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake." I'm going to go close my eyes, and hope for the best. Thanks to those few who might actually read this.
posted by Fake Cell at 4:54 AM
3 Comments:
Hey Dan.
I wish I could give some comfort, but losing someone you care about, no matter how long you knew them, is never easy. In the end it's something that you have to deal with inside. There never seems to have been enough time with the person. I know the urge to run away, to get away from the petty things in life that must still be done. Sometimes the hardest part is the fact that no matter what happens life doesn't stop for anything. It just seems so unfair. We can talk about the pain, and try and help others to deal with it, heck Joy even wrote a book about it (a very good one if you've ever gotten to read it), but in the end each of us must find our own way to deal with the loss. Sometimes it help to cry, or yell, or even just sit and stare. Sometimes it even helps to talk, and we're here if you need to do any of those things.
No way to really comfort you with these things in your head. But you know me, I love you Dan. Ive never pretended anything else but. I wish I could take your pain and confusion from you, but no one can. You wouldnt even want them to, if you dont learn to 'feel' about death and losing loved ones now, then the lesson is JUST as hard each time. You have to learn to deal with it on your own. That doesnt mean you have to deal with it alone.
You got so much understanding here in this page of friends, all willing to tell you whatever answer we are sure of, and let you know when we are not. Of course I am here too if you want to email me. I am here if you want to call me. Ill call you if you need me to. Just let me know. Believe it or not I still think about you very often. And I wonder how the world is treating you, and I hope its always treating you how you deserve. You are one of a kind Dan, and I hope you always get the treatment someone so special deserves. For the times that you dont, or the times you dont want to be alone. I am always here for you.
Hi Dan:
we haven't had the pleasure yet but Ican feel your pain as I to have lost many I love. My dear friend Coco, both my parents at a young age. I know what you mean when you say you want to escape to a place were you can see the stars and I know Ely MN, I'm from International Falls MN myself. I sat at that same fire you talked about in January in Tomahawk WS and said good bye to my friend Coco with the cold wind that I didn't feel tearing at me, pondering the stars in and endless sky, pondering heaven and god. Thinking of all the times we had and the many we missed,I loved her so. I listened to the wolves cry their lonely song for her and was oddly at peace.
The pain never leaves but they live on in my heart and I some how feel closer to them over time.
My heart to you my friend and I'm here even though we dont know one another.
Peace
Kuan
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