Frustration

What to do when your so frustrated and stressed, yet can't show it because you have to help someone else overcome their frustration and stress?

Echoes

Ghost stumble past the ruins of forgotten haunts where dust and spiders keep the company of the ticking of the last clock, it's spring worn down and dying like so much in this land of sterility... the echoes of laughter and life fade away as dreams are blown into the wastelands of this small corner of the worlds black night... whispers seem to spring from empty places and footsteps creak the floorboards no more... one small bulb still illuminates the darkness... sputtering as it's filliment edges on the final burst... what lonely face might it shine upon, where none can see and angels dare not to look for fear of what may look back... the air lies still and the shutters are broken outside windows that rattle from the moans of the unhallowed ground... broken glass glitters upon the counter and stains fill the cracks in the floor... rust drifts from the chandelier, flakes falling slowly in the dead air of the room... and somewhere... deep below the unbeating heart of the room... an eye opens....

Missing

Sometimes I miss the great anonymous friendship that I used to have here on the vast emptiness of the internet.

I found out tonight hat my girlfriend of over a year continually lies to be about her smoking habits. She smokes all the time now apparently, and it bugs the fucking hell out of me.

Six months ago she told me she quit, but you know, it's totall okay to smoke when you drink, it should just be acceptable.

I'm pissed, upset, sad, half drunk, disappointed, and above all else, missing the old conversations that would happen long into the night with the most honest and best friend that I think I've had, yet never personally met.

Joy, sometimes I often our old friendship. A lot! I'm 22 now. I first met you when I was 15. I still can't claim to know who is as non-judgement and understanding as you've been.

Sometimes I want to re-install everquest just to enjoy the good and bad with 2 of the best friends I've had, both a barbarian Shaman named Soulhavoc and a misfit Ranger named Wenn.

Currently, I'm listening to Incubus, the song Warning in particular, and just trying to type as straight as I can. I'm sorry for this relentlessly stupid post. I just hope that I'm not making a big mistake.

Reading

So thanks to my job I have an amazing amount of reading time right now. The problem is that I've re-read all the books I own. I hate when I'm out of new things to read. Of course when I do et something new it only really lasts a night or two and then I'm back to rereading things again. Sometimes I really wish I didn't read so fast. It took me 4 nights to finish the Lord of the Ring books, and that includes the Hobbit. Anyways, heres a list of the last 10 things I've read recently, not for any reason other than to list them.

1. Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Complete set) - Douglas Adams
2. Lord of the Rings (All 3 as well as the Hobbit) - J.R.R. Tolkien
3. Princess Bride - William Goldman
4. the Stand - Stephen King
5. Eyes of the Dragon - Stephen King
6. Have a Nice Day - Mick Foley
7. Treasure of Khan - Clive Cussler
8. Don't Stand too Close to a Naked Man - Tim Allen
9. The Complete Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Conan Doyle
10. Ten Little Indians - Agatha Christie

I highly recommend these books to anyone who like to read.
Maybe I should break down and pick up the Harry Potter books after all....

Days go by...

I wonder sometimes why it seems like life moves so much faster as I get older. It seems like when I was young a year took forever to get through. Now I blink and find I'm writing the wrong year on my checks. I'm getting ready to get married, and when we got engaged I planned the wedding for a year and a half ahead so we'd have time to get everything ready and not be in debt or scurrying at the last minute. Now it's near the last minute and we're scurrying anyways. I hate rushing.
I look around, and it seems like more time has passed than I can account for. People who I could swear I haven't heard from in a week tell me it's been months. Bills I think I just paid come due again almost immediately. How fast can weekends go by? I take a nap on Friday after work and wake up and it seems like Sunday night and time to head to work already.
It's sad that I need to occasionally look at the timeline I set up on Chaoscenter in order to remember how long it's been since some things have happened. Like how long I've been out of school (18 years already? or 16 if U count my limited collage time!), or how long it's been since the last time I saw the Demon. I'll think it's been 2 years, and in truth it's closer to 5.
Is it that perception slows down as I age? Or does the monotony of the days cause them to blend in my mind? Or just that my memory is failing as I grow old?
No matter what it is, it's starting to scare me a little. I'm not afraid of growing old, I just don't want to forget how I got there....

Love for Mary - A blogspot Addition

You guys know that this particular blog has always been a sort of private meeting room for the few (and those who I am proud to have met and call a friend) bloggers who made it here.

Dan was first as I met him on Everquest when he wasnt much more then a little kid. Though he never really acted like one, he was always there for me and offered me support that even the adults around me wouldnt at that time. As hard as it may be for some to understand, gaming isnt always a relaxing thing lol. Now Dan has grown into a fine and gorgeous man like I KNEW he would. I would be proud to call a guy like Dan my son and told his mother that myself. I am still proud to have been able to call Dan one of the first people I met online that I truly cared for and wanted the best for no matter what. I still love and respect Dan to this day and I miss the days and nights where we talked way into the wee hours. If one of my sons turns out to have even a quarter of Dans character and integrity then I will be the happiest mother on earth.

Then came Jeff. I think I had an early mid life crisis that brought me to blogspot to type out my feelings and hopefully make myself feel better. I hadnt made more then a couple of post when Jeff posted to my blog, and from that day on his words and his compassion and wisdom comforted me through some very rough times. Because of my distrustful nature I really just thought that he would come, and go, as many had before. But not Jeff. He stayed, and when I was feeling down, he was there with the perfect words to lift me up, or to bash those who were bashing me. In turn I watched Jeff go through some pretty depressing times of his own, and although I always felt inadequate to repay him for all his soothing kindness towards me, at least I felt I had to try. I never had a big brother who I was close to, or even a sibling to protect me, from myself and others. Until Jeff came along. And now here a few years later (omg i cant believe that) Jeff is now getting married and will be spending his life with someone who I can only pray will love him for at LEAST half of what he is worth. I dont think there is enough love on earth to love Jeff as much as he deserves it, but I sure hope and pray that she will try her ass off!

Then there was Kristi. And for all of the times I wished I'd had a big sister whose shoulder I could cry on, there she was. I missed having that kind of relationship with a female most of my life. But with Kristi it was hard to feel bitter about it, because she made up for all those lonely moments and then so much more. She is the earth to my fire. With her in my life teaching me so much if only I will listen I dont feel I could ever go wrong with her. I gave her trust that I had given no other female in my entire life. There is nothing I cant discuss with her and nothing she cant talk to me about. I'd call her a mother figure but I cant believe anyone could have as much fun with their mother as Kristi and I have had (plus shes not that old). But she exudes a mother image for me and she is like a mother though, one everyone wishes they would have had. In the sense of, if I have a problem, she can almost always give me a good solution to it, if I choose not to listen to it, its my problem, if I choose to listen, I always find a peace in her suggestions that I've rarely seen elsewhere.

So to Dan, Jeff and Kristi, I sincerely love you guys with all of my heart, and if I have my way Ill get to meet you one day and give you the greatest hug for all the love you have forced into my little heart when I wanted nothing more then to just say fuck all people forever. Its in large part because of you that I have breezed through the last bunch of years with peace in my heart instead of the sadness that has lived there for so long.

So now I have to introduce another person. If I had to describe her to you all it would be to say she is like my twin. She is funny and smart and beautiful in the way that most people only can dream of being. In the way all of you have always been to me. I wouldn't and haven't just put any old person on this blog, just the people I honestly love completely unconditionally. I know we all don't get here as much as we may want to, or used to, but its still here and I know if I have a massive breakdown I can still come here and talk to those dearest to me about it. So I have invited Mary here now. There is nothing you cant say to Mary, she wants and deserves and needs the honesty and the love and peace you have given me for so long.

It pains me sometimes to see how we have grown apart a bit from how we started here, but at the same time I realize that because we have grown at all, we now do not have the same lives that brought us here before. I think thats a good thing, and although I am sad we have all grown older, Im proud at the same time, because there are so few people on this earth I can truly trust. I think its a miracle that there is more then one of you, much less four now.

I hope you know that no matter where life takes us all, I will never ever forget each and every single thing that each one of you has done to help me grow into a person that I like much more then the girl who posted here the first day.

Love to you all!!

Joy

Stag

So 2 of my Cuz's are actually going to throw me a stag party next weekend. this should be interesting. They are both younger, haven't asked anyone for help, and I'm kind of afraid. It's not that their bad or stupid, it's just that ... well... lets say their lives seem to revolve around computers, movies, and video games. One's favorite movie is Ghostbusters, the others is teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. For Halloween they dress up as the Mario Brothers. They actually either BOUGHT or MADE the costumes so they'd have them permanently. Can ya see why I'm scared?
I think the thing that worries me the most is that they may try and get me a stripper. Now I have nothing against naked women, in fact most of the best times in my life have included naked women, but I can almost picture them getting a girl to strip out of a ghostbuster uniform. I really don't think I could keep a straight face for that. I've told them no strippers, but they don't always listen to me.
They've also invited folks from my work. Now I have nothing against the people I work with, it's just I've never really been the type to hang out with people from work (with the exception being from when I worked at Florsheim Shoes, but I was friends with them before I started working there). I just figure I see these folks 8 hours a day 5 days a week, thats normally enough for me. There's maybe 2-3 folk there that I enjoy thier ocmpany enough to MAYBE want to hang with outsdie of work, but after 2 1/2 years I have yet to do so. (well, except the one guy who helped me move).
So if you believe in a diety, please say a little prayer that this goes off ok, or at least is not a Total train wreck.


I got a bad feeling about this.....