When I think of you....Part I

When I think of you Dan, I think about my friend Ben who died way too young. I remember how when he died I questioned myself and my motives in life. I questioned whether or not I had been all I could be for Ben. He was younger then me. Was I as good of a friend to Ben as I could have been? Was I good enough? Was there something more I could have done for him? Is there something I should have taught him that would have kept him alive longer? I was like a big sister to him. I feel like a big sister to you, hell sometimes I feel like your mother. No matter where life takes us I will never forget that sad little kid I spent so many nights talking to online. I will never forget that in a guild full of people who kissed my ass constantly, you were never as scared as most of the adults there to confront me when you felt I was being a bitch. I remember looking at your gangly teenage pictures and hearing your insecurities and seeing past that to the grown man you would soon be. I remember you showing me one of your recent pictures and thinking, 'see I knew you would be a damn good looking man once you were grown.' And I recall being as proud of you and your accomplishments as I hoped your own parents were. I hope I was for you what I always feared I wasnt for Ben. Someone worthy of your respect. The song I hear that always reminds me of you is called Kryptonite. 'If I go crazy will you still call me superman?' Three Doors Down.

When I think of you Kelley I think about the sisters I have and wish that you were one of them by birth. Then I realize that you are much better then that, you are a sister to me by choice. I remember meeting you and crying like an idiot, something Ive never done when meeting someone, only losing them. I remember thinking that all those Oprah shows started to make sense to me. The crying women who jumped up and down and acted ridiculous just because they were greeting each other. I understood all in one moment how a kinship could mean so much. I hope I can get back down there to see you soon, my heart and soul misses you. The song that always reminds me of you is called 'Watch Me Shine'. Come on and watch me shine, like the world is mine. The world was ours that day, I'll never forget it.

When I think of you Jeff I think of a soul mate, a mirror of my own soul and spirit. I can almost bet that if I have a feeling that I think no one on earth would understand, that you would. You would not only understand the feeling, but you could take my hand and walk me through it. Almost every time I read your blog I see myself in there. It can be disturbing and heart-warming at the same time. No matter what it is, there is always comfort. I try to think of you not as someone whom I will have passed in the night, but as a couple of people who are walking the same path in life, and when you are walking on the same path in the same direction, it makes a reunion nearly impossible. Still the comfort is there, because I know when you stumble I may be walking just behind you and can help you up, and knowing that I may stumble, and your warm heart and strong hands will be just behind me picking me up as well. The song that reminds me so strongly of you means so much to my heart I will post the whole thing, and I hope it fills your soul as it has mine.

"So Far Away"

this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
'cause i
i must be sleeping

[chorus]
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashamed to be the person that i am today

these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before

somebody shake me 'cause i
i must be sleeping

[chorus]

i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me

[chorus]