Memories that don't let go
Don't know why I'm sitting here thinking about her tonight. I think it was the music that brought her back to the front of my mind. I didn't pick them out on purpose, or at least not conciously, but each song reminds me of her. Blues Traveller "The Mountains Win Again", Don Henley "Boys of Summer", Ray Price "For the Good Times", Indigo Girls "Ghost".
Not that she ever fully leaves my mind, but I keep her in the back whenever I can. But now she sits here with me and the loss I still feel. It's been 2 1/2 years now. Not the longest she's been gone, that would be 4 years which was the last time before now. But knowing that she has a family of her own now makes me believe that she's not coming back, ever. What use does she have for an old fat kid now?
I don't really like to go to the movies anymore, and forget about bars. I cringe when someone mentions kereoke. When I visit my friend Kells in Hamden I find myself looking at every crowd, into every passing car, just in case. I know she's in the town somewhere, but not exactly where. Probably closer to New Haven than I go, but who knows right? I don't know how to let go of her. I always thought the pain would one day eclipse the love, but it hasn't happened yet.
I'd be happy just to be friends again. Just to see her once in a while. Just to hear her voice occasionally. Just to know she thinks about me at all now. Just to never think about her again.
How do I get free?
posted by Azathoth100 at 1:04 AM
2 Comments:
You know I empathize with this. I find myself there often as well. I guess the main thing is in your heart you really dont WANT to let go of her. Memories of her offer you comfort when you feel uncomfortable about things. As much as you want to inflict the pain on yourself to override the memories its likely not going to work, because deeper in there the pleasure of it was much more memorable then even what you feel now. I wish I had a suggestion or something that would make you feel a bit more lighthearted but in all honesty I live in this spot you find yourself now, and I dont know how to get out of it either. I have to keep telling myself I was lucky to ever have felt those things at all. Its a bit harder for you though as the person I think of is still a friend. I dont understand how anyone could have had a relationship with you and then totally disappear. If you were an old boyfriend of mine, or even a friend whom I could touch, Id be there for you always, no matter how you felt about me. I just know you from here and I already feel like I cant live without you. So screw that what use does she have for you, you really should feel sorry for her for losing someone like you from her life. If it offers you some comfort I can tell you this much. Sometimes women might love a man but not yet know how to appreciate them fully. I am quite sure that you cherished this girl and that there are times that she remembers that. Only a liar would deny it.
It seriously pains me to think of you in pain but I understand the feeling truely. Sadly, the only way I think you may begin to grow away from these feelings is to be in another relationship that occupys your heart.
Take care love
Joy said it beautifully Azathoth and she is right. I tell this to Believer all the time when he sits around and Efrain comes to his mind, and how he let's it bring him to dark places, hence his relapses. I always tell him you will never let go if you continue to be in your own way and let love pass you by. You are both good men with incredible quality. It's her loss, J. Hugs Wookie.
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