Where do we go from here?

I found myself in an ugly place today. I suppose it is somewhat near the ugly place Az found himself in a few post ago here and I know he will understand what I am saying here but I want advice from anyone who has it.
When you are young, you go out into the world full of hope or hate, either way you go out with a clean slate. What is put on that slate is determined by your inner strength and how much you let others control your fate, in my opinion. Well everytime fate has backhanded me, Ive gotten right back up, sometimes slower the other times, but Ive gotten up and went on my way. Sometimes full of hate and despair, and sometimes full of love and yet more useless hope. Ive done my best to make sure I am the only one who writes anything on that slate, and so far Ive done a decent job, could have done better but Im not dissatisfied with the way Ive handled most things in life. I had a child when I was 15, immediately followed by a life saving surgery. Ive given and wasted all my love on people who never deserved it. All these years, every since that first ugly relationship, Ive been able to tell myself I just dont care anymore. Books, the computer, idle conversation has always filled that hole left in my heart by so many others who didnt deserve a place in my heart to begin with. So here I stand at a crossroads in my life. If I do make any money off of my book, I will remain as I am in my heart. I may have a nicer car, I may have more shoes in my closet, but I will never fall into the hopeless trap of believing in people who never believed in me in the first place.

So this week I learned a couple of ugly things about myself. All these years Ive lived, survived, just fine with my fuck it all attitude. I am willing to admit that it has failed me. Because now I am lonely. You are never as lonely as you are when surrounded by people and feeling no connection to them. That is where I find myself.

Ok so as a teen I had the newbie attitude, I was willing to give any part of myself away for the love of others.
As an adult I decided fuck the world. And I lived very happily with that attitude for most of my life now.
Now, I want someone to share things with. I want the love I have been denied all these years.

'If I should be short on words
And long on things to say
Could you crawl into my world
And take me worlds away
Should I be beside myself
And not even stay

And I’m lost, behind
Words I’ll never find
And I’m left behind
As seasons roll on by'

That pretty much describes it yep.