I haven't finished the story, as I've neglected to do so. I have no good excuse. Call it laziness or whatever. I figure I can round it out now, and this is the last time I ever spent time with her. This was New Years night 2006. I left off as we were arriving to the party.

We got inside, the three of us (Adam, Karen, and myself) and immediately we run into a couple friends from high-school. Karen is looking around kinda sheepishly, but always, always has an inviting and approachable look to her. In her time in and out of the hospital, I don't think she'd ever been to a new years party with a bunch of people drinking heavily around her.

I'm going to cut out of the story here for a second and elaborate for a second. Elaborate about what I felt for her, and how I acted entirely different around our friends. I've known of this girl since the fifth grade, she was the cute new girl in school, hell, I was 10 years old then. I got to meet her in the eighth grade, the first day of school, when I decided that I was cool enough to ride in the back of the bus (because eighth grade was the last year for the middle-school years). She sat next to me, and immediately introduced herself. Hell, I knew who she was already, and man was it awesome that she gave a damn to introduce herself to my awkward as hell self. From there on, I got to see her most everyday, and we'd talk, and in general and be 12 and 13 year old kids without a care in the world. She'd every now and then fall asleep on my shoulder on the way to school, because it was A) a long ride to school, roughly 45 minutes, and B) we'd be up at 6 in the morning. Eighth grade ended, and I got a hug and her phone number on the last day of school. Little did I know that during that year in school, she was diagnosed with cancer.

Heres where I break down and tell you all that I'm a pussy. I never called her. She was the most intimidating person to me at the time. The thing is, I've always been a little overweight, and I thought to myself "Why the hell would she want to see you when there are 50 other guys she could hang out and be with." She would have hung out with me, all through high-school as well, she was the kind of person who would make time for her friends. I was afraid because she was so inviting... does that make sense? I was afraid that I liked her as more than a friend, but would she feel the same way? I was scared that I'd fuck things up, to put it simply, and lose a friend. I'm deathly afraid of rejection. Even now, I just want people to like me, to the point where I'll be a different person in front of one person, and be myself around another person.

I hate to turn this into shit about myself, but around my friends, I'm the mans man, I'll do shit other people might not, I'll act tough, and just go through with things. I like being that kind of guy, but I know I'm not that kind of guy. So, with someone like Karen around, I can relax and be the normal person I am, with my awkward ways and just be a dork. Now, to get back to the story. I have ADD when it comes to flowing in one direction.

I drink a couple of beers while we mingle around with people at the party. I know a few people, I've partied with a couple of them there. Adam wants to do a beer bong or five and I'm his spotter while Karen is mingling with the other girls at the party while the guys for the most part are in the kitchen being guys. Now Adam is getting shit housed, as was his intention the entire time that night, mine as well, until Karen was coming along. Adam is following through with his intention to the fullest. I forget how it came down to it, but Jackass was playing in the DVD player, and I ended up sitting down with Karen on the love seat, her on the left, me on the right. We all know that a love seat is just a couch with 2 spots to sit instead of 3 right? This isn't innuendo. Well, she gets grossed out at the real explicit parts of the show, and very cutely turns away from all of those scenes and starts talking to me about how it isn't necessary, but jokingly. For example:
Karen: Now why does he have to put fireworks on his skates? He's being an idiot, just look at how hard hes falling!
Myself: Come on! Rocket skates are awesome, they'll get you there faster, and then you can show off all the cool burns after you fall down and they explode on you.
Karen: That makes more sense now that you put it that way. maybe rocket skates will be the new extreme sport.
Myself: Exactly, it'll be trendy here in a couple months, but then everyone will be doing it, so it's not cool anymore.

And so on, and so on at each of those scenes. Movie ends, and there are more drunk guys and girls on the other couch all bitching about how theres nothing else on. Now, Karen and I are the only sober ones there. So we slyly made fun of the drunks to their faces. So we decide to put the movie Elf in. Now we both get to talking about how we enjoy the movie, while everyone around us groans about it. Fuck them, Elf is awesome, and Karen and I have that in common. Elf goes on.

Now it's cold in the house, and the drunks don't seem to mind, but with my crappy circulation in my fingers and toes, and a girl thats in and out of the hospital, its a bit chilly. My toes are freezing, and I pull them up onto the couch and Karen and I both come to the conclusion that a blanket is in order for the both of us. There just happens to be a throw blanket right behind us on the couch, so hell, we pulled that down and distributed the blanket on the both of our laps. We get a little bit closer together, but not in a romantic way, more of a "this blanket is small" sort of way. At this point whats going on in my head is this reasoning: I'm sitting next to the girl of my dreams, we have something in common to laugh and talk about, life couldn't be better. So soon the part of the movie comes up where Will Farrell is going to confront the mall santa. I tell her my favorite line from the entire movie is "You sit on a throne of lies." Heres a sample for you http://throneoflies.ytmnd.com . Karen then states that her favorite part is in there too, only her favorite line is "You stink, you smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like santa." Ignore the guys picture here, but heres a sample as well http://leathercheese.ytmnd.com . We get some good laughs out of that, and from there on just chit chat, and if I'm not slightly retarded.... I think we may have been half way flirting.

Holy shit I forgot the prelude of before we went to the party. We were at Adams house, the three of us, because it was common ground, and we were in his room, playing video games of all things, and it got on the subject of how none of us were in a relationship. She brought up about her last boyfriend was cool and all, but it just didn't work out between them, and she said something to the effect of "I'm not that bad to work around for a boyfriend right? I don't even ask that much about having him come visit, I just want to be with someone." Now at that point I got the hint that she was talking to Adam, but Adam made it clear that they were just friends, and it was going to stay that way... but in a very teenage drama sort of way, I thought she was into him. It somehow from there changed subjects to how Adam and I worked at the same place, and we both acquired a few scars there. From there I was showing off my newer ones from working in a warehouse for a major furniture retailer, assembling furniture. How I had put a box knife in my middle finger of all things, and have a cool scar there. Along with one across the bridge of my nose, from falling down and pushing shooting glasses into my face. Karen says thats nothing, turning around so her back is to me, and pulling up her shirt. She had a six or seven inch scar that ran parallel to her spine. The scar was from her multiple surgeries to try and remove the cancer from her spine. What can you say to that? The mood got more serious then, but she assured me it was okay to make jokes, saying once that after she lost all her hair, she wore some big hoop earrings and her mom responded with "ohh honey no... you look like mister clean." The mood lightened considerable then. Karen states a little later that she wants a kiss at midnight, and me and Adam both look at each other then at her in a skeptical-one-eyebrow-raised sort of way. "Not that kind of kiss, just a friendly peck!" Karen justified to us. Back to the party.

The movie ends, and Adam is shit housed, being his drunk self. Which is a fun guy to be around, because hes like a big honest toddler at that point. He just states things as he sees them, no bullshit drunk talk in there. He comes and plops down in the middle of me and Karen, on this love seat thats not meant for three people. I nearly get pushed off, and he's oblivious to interrupting a conversation, he just saw two of his friends sitting there, and he needed someone new to talk to. Why not two people he knew pretty well. Once again, Karen and I are poking fun at him (like most sober people will when around drunks), only not in a mean sort of way, just teasing really. He gets up to go drink some more beer, and it's damn near midnight, so we turn to the ball drop thing on the TV.

At that point everyone is watching this thing, and in all honesty, I was feeling a little nervous. She wanted a kiss. No big deal right? Well hell, it turned out to be no big deal. It was the three of us standing around together, and the ball strikes 12, and the whole big shin-dig in times square was going down. Karen turns to Adam and says "I want my kiss," and does that cute little pucker up and gets a peck from the guy. I gotta admit, I felt a little hurt, and like the big over analyzing idiot I am, thought way too much of it that she turned to him.I should have waited another three seconds before judging that I was the third wheel at this party. Karen then turns to me, and puckers up as well, and I get a midnight kiss as well. It was sweet, it was innocent, and it made me feel like a million dollars then.

I'm going to wrap this up then, and say that Adam stayed the night there as he was way too drunk to drive, while Karen called her folks, and had them pick us up on their way home from a party. I got a ride home, which I was very greatful for, being in my own bed is nicer than a couch at some guys house. It really wasn't too out of the way for them, being that I might be, at most, 4 blocks away.



I missed a big opportunity to rekindle and follow a friendship after that night. I never called her again. The last time I saw here was just after 1AM new years day 2007. I told myself I would call her, but I fell into that big standard of self doubt. I've turned this story more into it being about me than her, and I'm sorry if I bored anyone. I wish I knew her better. I wish I could have been her friend, or maybe just maybe, something more. Wishes don't count though, and hindsight is always clearest. I thought she was doing well with the cancer then... I didn't know shit.

Karen was special to me in a way she never knew. I'll miss her greatly, more than likely for the rest of my life. No longer do I feel sad when I think about her, I know shes better off then what was going on to her in this life. I want to state once more that by no means am I religious, I'm just not a religious person, it doesn't make sense to me. But someday, maybe, I hope to run into her again.

I'm so very very sorry that this is such a huge block of text. Thank you, holy shit thank you, to whoever might read through this. Thank you for letting me write this out and get it all out.